MUTATION

Who was the persona who first spoke of the line “What you see is what you get”? Why, you ask? Well, I want to ask him something for this day I gained a whole new understanding to the meaning of his quote. For what I had just seen has just been what I got.

This morning I had watched Marty Scorsese’s epic homage to eccentric billionaire and film mogul Howard Hughes. Captivating as the film was, I couldn’t help but react to how the playboy lived his life – his many women, his obsessive compulsive behavior, his addiction to perfection.

I didn’t know how the bloody hell it happened but someway somehow the film rubbed in me most especially Mr. Hughes’ obsessive compulsion. Like this evening while we were eating out, my nephew took a gulp from my drink, mistakenly thinking it was his. Right after that, I dared not take another sip from it.

This isn’t actually the first time this happened. I had known about this strange behavior of mine since I was a kid. Before I used to have a craving of having a uniform motion of my feet the same as the people I walked along with. I also had these strange ceremonies while I was coughing – hand gestures and arm contortions. As the years had gone by, I was able to let go of these obnoxious doings. But thanks to Mr. DiCaprio’s character acting, I think I am off once more to becoming an OC.

For how long the duration of this epidemic will last, I do not know. But for now, there’s nothing to do but make the most out of it. Just when I needed a sign on what stepping stone I would use for my directing aspiration, this comes. Oh well, Mr. Method here I come.

MIND GAMES

Blood, gore, pain – those were the words which resounded in my head as I was on my way to meet my colleagues for the rally. Mind matters became worse as I saw a bruised and bloody man walking against the cars in the road. I had my chance; I could have backed out, stayed at home and just observed the rallies on television. But I did not.

My system was numb. As we marched along the road, I began seeing the flags and banners of militant and rally men who are all there united for a cause. I could go on and admire their bravery and patriotism but I was on the verge of a “freak-down”. For each step I took, I glanced around assuming a riot will start any moment. I felt as though people would start throwing rocks and I would be endangered. Chaos started heating up as pro-GMA rally men passed along the same road we were taking; the sound of glass breaking and the people roaring still linger in my head. I couldn’t have been more pessimistic when I saw the big tank of water, thinking we were going to be dispersed in case pandemonium takes place. It was as if I was a character from a war movie getting geared up on the battlefield - as if I’d be that brave enough.

But here I am right now – refreshed and relaxed. The noise of anger, the chants of displeasure and the songs of mockery are over. I couldn’t be more thankful that I am still in one piece. I didn’t regret my daredevil adventure considering my repetitive taking of memorable pictures that shall forever capture those thrilling moments. This is just one of those moments which may seem unpleasant but are vital to character formation and human exploration.

Who knows? Just as J.R.R. Tolkien was inspired by the world war, this breath-taking experience (though not as major) might become my inspiration for my own masterpiece. If the saying is true, there is indeed light at the end of the tunnel.

ROTISSERIE

As I waved my hands to signal the FX to stop, I thought I’d get a normal ride home but it wasn’t. I opened the door to see a very healthy couple, their arms clasped around each other as they caressed themselves in the back of the vehicle. It was not my intention to have prejudice to people like them but I couldn’t help but wonder whether it was their body heat or their size (so to speak) which caused the space to transform into a sauna due to the immense heat I was feeling. I just smiled when I saw the air conditioners were missing. I wasn’t thankful though because the heat was tremendous still – literally and figuratively speaking.

As I started gasping for air, random thoughts came about my woozy mind. I began to have thought balloons like – “Wow… How sweet. Good for them. There is justice in this world”, “This sure gives an affirmation for the concept of love compatibility” and “Wait ‘til my cousin hears of this, the doors have finally opened and it sure is wide!” To sound mean is the last thing I would want to do. To tell you the truth, I was very happy for them. Seeing them in their simple act of love truly shows that there is still love in this cruel world. Everyone deserves to be happy regardless of who or what you are. All I can say is that they are a lucky couple. May the best of luck be with them for all time!

This FX reflection makes me think of the famous quote from the movie Moulin Rouge, “The greatest thing you’ll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.” To find someone to love for the rest of your life is one thing, but it is another thing for that love to be given back. If experience is the best teacher, the day I shall learn this I still await.

TOPSY TURVY

Looking back into my previous post, I had just realized how stupid I wrote it. For a writing which contains my important rebirth – my reconciliation with the relationship I hated to love, it was nothing short of pathetic. Now I can finally conclude my theory of writing – I can only write well when uninspired, otherwise, I mess up the whole thing.

If William Shakespeare would write under the condition I am supposed to write best at, he might end up scribbling deep words we barely understand. For short, he’d just make a bloody mess. I’m sure all of us know that Master Shakespeare’s brilliant manuscripts are products of his brilliantly love-driven writing. I, on the other hand, must not be in love to produce something that is good (of course I wouldn’t say “produce something Shakespearean” although it is tempting too but I am not of a high caliber to say so) I don’t know how I came about with this uninspired motivation to write but it sure does work for me.

Perhaps the only explanation to my bad writing due to inspiration of a muse is that instead of thinking of an effective way of expressing my feelings is that I end up thinking only about her. Pathetic you may say, for people usually need inspiration to be able to write beautifully. But I don’t know. Perhaps you need to suck her of my memory before I’ll be able to write something good.

This uninspired writing inspiration is pointing nowhere. I can’t write again. Oh well, now you know why. *Wink*

REALIGNMENT

Walking in the rain this afternoon had made me many wonders. Solitary confinement does help a lot especially to obsessive compulsives like me. Through the channels of divine intervention, I had realized that I do indeed have the love I was looking for all this time.

I still could not identify whether it is my new old haircut or the familiarity in nature which helped me with this breakthrough. It’s nothing new actually. I’m back to where I started, and I don’t give a shit what people think. All I know is that we’re right in the same page. That’s all that matters anyway. We’re back to a situation which seemed to be similar to that of what we could call the golden age of our relationship. And that is worth everything I had gone through.

Great expectations are easy to accumulate especially when you feel a special biorhythm amongst the two of you. But this time, I want to play it right. I won’t take things recklessly and aggressively. If waiting is the only valuable card I can play right now then let it unfold things even if it takes an eternity.

It seemed only yesterday when I thought I have finally parted ways with her. I was wrong. I don’t even think there would be a time that I will. If I shall be imprisoned by her presence forever then let it be so. It’s just the same anyways. Even if I shall be free, she has already captured my heart. She has owned it ever since, she just wouldn’t accept it. But I will do everything in my power just to make everything fall into place just like the stars, the sun, the moon, the planets and the rest of the universe.

INTERVENE

If my current life is to be represented by a memory of recent events, it would be that hilarious moment in The Beanery a few weeks ago.

There I was, walking towards the washroom, anxiously moving in an awkward way. I could feel the lime-like liquid coming to a churn. I could no longer resist it. I came inside the room. I locked the door or seemingly I thought I did so. Refreshed was I in the next seconds. The gush was unwinding. But all of a sudden, the door had surprisingly opened! I can see the image of a woman or so it seemed. The scream confirmed that it was plus the sound of “Oh my God!” I could not help but laugh and be ashamed at the same time. And as I started to get back my cool, I walked through the glares and stares which are beyond any humorous compare at that time. I could now feel the relaxing couch. My weight delved into the soft cushion. At last I was comfortable, or at least that was what I thought. Nevertheless, it’s what I think that’s important.

I need not relate this to what is happening right now in a detailed system. Surprises happen, tragic or comic, you can never expect when and where they’re going to be there. But for sure they will be there. Preparation provides prevention. But what determines what you became after a certain situation is how you came about it. No matter how heavy the gravity of the situation may be, never lose your cool. Keep your head up high and be ready to shout the glorious word which is “Success!”

SPINNING WHEEL

Life is a spinning wheel. You can take the boy away from politics but you can never take politics away from the boy. I could not fathom what it is with politics that I could not fully escape from its clutches. It’s like magnet that forcefully draws metal towards it. No matter how far it is, as long as it’s within range, it will be entrapped by this mysterious force. Though I have not fully reconciled with my political past, I am back with it once more but in the medium which is arguably where I am best at – writing!

In one of my scholastic requirements, we are tasked to create a features article about any place we dare to talk about. We sure took it seriously about that “dare” part. On Monday, I shall be joining the rest of humanity to march in the streets along Batasang Pambansa but not to rally as what people came there for. I shall be there to merely observe. Observation is one of my great talents so to speak and it would be a great thrill and experience to be there personally but it would be greater if I go home in one piece.

Most people who know me won’t believe of such eccentricity. Daredevil stunts are not on my playing field. I won’t even dare eat something that’s spicy for hell of experience-based reasons. But this time it’s different. I want to break free. I don’t know what it is but all I know is that there’s something in me that seeks something – something of a new horizon, somewhere I’ve never been.

It is not enough to stick to what is safe, just for survival mode. One must learn to take risks, be aware of what it may cause but in the end it’s the pleasure of having your goals and desires fulfilled through an all or nothing game which makes it worth fighting for. As they say – you win some you lose some. What goes up must come down. The spinning wheel goes round and round.

COLLISION COURSE

Why must things collide? Just when you think a vehicle’s coast is clear, here comes another vehicle moving from the opposite direction and then a sudden boom! An explosion occurs, spelling death or perhaps even life.

Today, the unparalleled event of ending up in collision courses was both spellbinding and riveting. As I was on my way home, I heard a familiar sound. It was neither the voice nor the speaker that caught my attention for what had stricken me was the certain name the person called me – Mr. President. Normally, I would salute and nod at the person who greeted me but under the situation I am under right now, having a life of a regular citizen and no longer their official leader, I just gave a smile. It was kind of awkward how I replied to his greeting. The reason - I had yet to come about. All I could do was ask myself questions, questions that would just further add to unanswered questions in my mind. It’s ironic how a simple greeting made me rethink about decisions I could not even assert and might not at all! At the rate this vehicle of madness is under, all I could see for now is the critical condition of a character. And perhaps death has been already foretold.

Where there is death, there is also life. One thing hopeful about collisions is the chance of life. Just when you thought all odds point to death, a miracle takes place. Thus, life is present once more – the heart pumps blood as it brings existence to each part of the human body. With the near death of a character that had caused me a serious relationship in the past, would it be possible that my chance of having another chance at a serious relationship take place? Now that I have all the time in the world and as signs continue to appear, would I finally have another stake at this game of solitaire? Oh tell me please, Mrs. Robinson…

Collisions engulf us in flames. These flames may either lead to an unprecedented death or another chance in life. No matter which situation you’ll be led to, remember that fire represents life. Grasp it while you still can. For if you do not, one collision may lead to another, and another, and another. So as you travel the intersections of life, be cautious and be aware. Drive safely – for as long as you’re in the streets, there’s no telling what you’re going to bump into.

EMANCIPATION

He asked her, “Do you love me?” She said, “Ask me later.” He asked again, she told the same answer. Then one day, she said… “I love you.” He answered, “I know but I’m not asking you anymore.” Frankly my dear, this guy doesn’t give a damn.

As I sit on my bed and stare onto my notebook, the concept of freedom plays on my mind. How thankful are we for the freedom we possess? Do we just enjoy it for a period of time and become enslaved once more – be it by a person, culture or religion? I do not know about you but all I know is that I am happy because I am finally free.

For almost 3 years, I became a prisoner – of belief and of emotion from someone who I never thought I would be able to escape. I could still remember being surrounded by the rails of sorrow and of fear which caused despair and woe. I could still feel the lingering whips of betrayal and of false hope. I could still hear the echoes of the voice of harshness and treachery. It never occurred to me that there would be a time that all of which shall be put into a halt.

How it happened is still not clear. I almost fell again for the trap a few days ago as I was trekking onto the wilderness in search of strangers in this populated island. I thought I was going back once more to the prison I was bound to stay for the rest of eternity. But then I heard a call. At first, I hesitated. I thought I was just having a hallucination. It was like a fragment of my soul that wanted back its long lost freedom. Then, the voice became louder and louder and then I saw her. She was a beautiful maiden whose voice was powerful yet angelic; she was my key, my liberator.

But the muse was not alone. Moments later, a guardian arrived to bring her back to their kingdom. I wanted to follow them. But I didn’t. I don’t know how long this emancipation would last but for now I’m going to make the most out of it. For who knows what will happen tomorrow – I may be back where I started or be in a different fort. But that is all I can do – sit back, relax and wait. If what Scarlett O’Hara said is true – tomorrow is another day!

QUESTION

What comes to your mind when you hear the word hidden agenda? Is it the thought of political propaganda which dates back to the Spanish Revolution? Or could it be the feelings expressed in a song by an R&B singer? For me, strange as it may seem but it’s the latter; for I had executed a gesture with hidden agenda not for political purposes but for pumping of the heart pleasure.

It’s quite impressive how questions attract attention. For a writer, questions help drive inquisitive minds and opinionated souls to keep an eye on for his/her articles. Likewise for a speaker, questions provide a sense of thought provocation for the listeners to lend their ears for the speech. On a lighter scale, I just used a question to finally receive a reply from someone who I haven’t communicated with for a few months now. Well it’s about time!

Funny thing how a simple question of a pretend homework could ignite a conversation which lasted for quite a number of hours – a conversation of catching up on the olden times; a conversation of reassurance of one another’s status; a conversation of measurement of one’s stance; a conversation of risky circumstances that concluded that is it okay to take chances.

What a night it has been! Just when I thought she’s the one least likely to reply, a message suddenly popped up – revealed a name so familiar I couldn’t resist but smile. Could this be possibly true? After months of anxiety and misery, I’m back to where I had started – right where I thought I belong and still do. It feels as though I had awoken from a long and deep slumber. As my heart pounded, I tried to keep my mind on focus. I couldn’t help but realize how beautiful life is. I feel I’m alive once more.

It’s symbolic how a question truly gave me an answer – not just an ordinary answer as to an academic inquiry but a guarantee of what may await at the end of this long tunnel. Everything seems clear now. She is all I need. She is all I see. No matter how dark it is – she’ll always be as bright as a Sunday morning.

ERASE

Was there anyone in your life who you thought you’d spend the rest of your life with? What if this person suddenly ruins your life by a broken promise? What if you can’t forget this person even though you are miles apart? No, this isn’t the stranger I was mocking in my previous entries. How could she be my stranger if she’s the reason for my stranger hunting in the first place?

If only the procedure in the movie, ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’ was real then I would no longer linger. If only I could erase someone from my mind then I shall no longer have random thoughts of her. Oh… If only…

THE BEANERY

Did you ever wonder why people ask the question, “How do you see yourself ten years from now?” Usually when I encounter this question, I would answer, “Sitting inside a coffee shop, composing an article using my laptop while sipping coffee.” For some people, life is like a piece of cake. For in life, it is important to take a clear view of what you want in your future. It’s the same with a cake, when you enter a pastry shop, you have to choose which flavor and slice you want. Practically speaking, I never imagined that the cake I wanted in a decade would be on express delivery.

As I sit on the sofa while typing, I lean back and take a breather. I take a glance at my surroundings; I see friends hanging out, students working on their schoolwork and groups discussing out loud. I think about the times I used to wonder how this picture would look like. I just can’t believe it. I’m actually living my own dream – a dream I only had a few months ago.

Isn’t it amazing how fast time flies? It was like yesterday when I was trying to say farewell to high school life. Now I’m enjoying every minute of college life. Well, that is indeed how life goes. We should live each moment one at a time. Never forget the past, take a good look at your future but focus on the present.

Overwhelmed is the best word that best describes this feeling. It’s like the feeling when people get when they get a first taste of a scrumptious cake. I still can’t believe how fast my life is changing now. The daily routines I used to do for a number of years have gone. Gone are the days when I drop by a mall with a friend or so to eat in a fast food or in a food court; because now, I have a wide variety of restaurants and coffee shops to go to. Gone are the days when I have to beg people to accompany me to a place I need to go to; for now, a text or a simple chat is enough to get people to come with me almost wherever I say. Gone are the days when a simple hangout was pitiably impossible; as each day my hangout hours are longer than or equal to my class hours. I have nothing against my high school life. I’m just saying college life is way different – like chocolate mousse and cheesecakes.

I may see a vision of my future but I can never tell what’s going to happen next. Whether this is temporary or not, I’ll cherish each cup of coffee that’s as sweet as the blabbers, laughter and company of my friends I share it with. No one can stop me from enjoying my piece of cake. And here in the beanery, it gets a lot better with a cup of coffee.

OMEN

“Rejection is brutal.” That is the only thing that keeps on revolving around my head this evening. Earlier this night, I received a text message. It stated that I wasn’t accepted into the political party I applied for. As a college freshman, it is vital to have a party when you are running for a position. Otherwise, you have to make your own or depend on your own. Both of which are quite impossible for me this early a time. After hours of silence and serenity, I had decided not to run.

You may think that the Mark Peregrino who was the former Student Council President of Lorenzo Ruiz de Manila School would never have done this. He would never back out from a challenge. It was rejection which catapulted him to heights he had never imagined reaching, so why back out now? Now that he has accomplished so many things. Now that he has made a name not only in his school but as well as in his small community. I tell you, I am not backing out; I had never done it and I am not planning to do it.

The reason for my sudden change of mind is not merely because I would lose without a party. If I shall defend my principles, I would go right ahead and form my own group or run independently if necessary. But the time is not now. Instead of wasting time in campaigns, knowing that winning would be a long shot in this position, I shall devote my time in formulating concrete projects and proposals beneficiary to my constituents and department. Just as I said, I am not backing out. I am just gearing myself up.

FALSE PROPHET

Life is developmental. It doesn’t just end the same way it began. Before there were humans there were primates. Before the continents there was Pangaea. And before I wanted to become a filmmaker, I envisioned myself as a journalist. One thing that got me interested in journalism is the opportunity to cover various topics be it world news, politics, entertainment, sports, etc. But there was one topic in the field of investigative journalism which gave me a great deal of thought provocation. As In had observed in television, one of the mostly used topics in investigative journalism is about false prophets. Little did I know that I’d turn out to become a false prophet myself…

For a number of months now, I have been in search of love - in streets, malls, classrooms and even in chat rooms. But what is love again? I have been so engrossed with it so much that I had forgotten what I am truly in search of. Love is a complex word. It is something known to everyone but cannot be defined easily. It takes knowledge, philosophy and even experience for one to fully cover not the topic but the essence of love. Among these three, the most important has to be experience.

I could not discern whether it is trust or desperation which makes some people to turn to me when they have problems regarding the matters of the heart. As a friend, I am always willing to help up to the fullest extent within the range of my capabilities. But what have I got to help them in problems I haven’t even encountered? Hell, I don’t even have a girlfriend. I can’t even find someone who I could connect with in a deeper sense. True, I had been in one relationship but it didn’t even last a quarter of a year. This had me thinking - Is it enough for someone to have experienced the power and pain of love to preach something he wasn’t even able to succeed at? I have nothing against helping others but why me?

Optimists and the likes would say things like ‘your time will come’, or ‘don’t wait, kusa yang darating’. I’m sick and tired of those. I believe in good karma. I believe that I too deserve to be happy. I am hoping that one day all my good karma would manifest. But for now, I guess the only consolation I would get is for the people I have helped in one way or another experience what I have not yet experienced. Who knows? Tomorrow, the next day or the day after next, I might have my own stranger encounter. True or false?

SUNRISE

Life is indeed beautiful. Just when you thought death was the end, life comes to spring forth a new beginning. Bizarre as it may seem but the sun also rose today; just when I needed it the most.

As the sun shed its radiance and shone upon the shadows, my heart had stopped dimming. Its fire was rekindled - all because of a phoenix. She was no ordinary bird. Her luminescent smile was the brightest. Her eyes glowed as stars twinkled. Her voice was as lovely as a mockingbird. She came to seep into the tunnels of my darkening heart. She relit the fires extinguished by shadows. She came when I was lost, when I was crying in the open. She completed me.

Could she be my stranger - the one who has been taunting me in my dreams almost every night? Could it be possible that she truly exists – that I was just blinded by her light not to see her right away? Has my waiting for ‘the one’ been done?

Right now, it doesn’t matter. This strange familiarity has brought me so much light, so much life. I could care no longer now if she is indeed my stranger. As long as each day she will light my diminishing fire, I am contented. As long as I see her and hear her, I am happy. Time will come; all of these will be answered.

Di mo sa ‘kin sinabi, andyan ka lang pala…

DOWNPOUR

Two days have passed. It has been raining since then. Even my mind along with my heart is getting clouded. My thoughts of you are starting to blur, covered by the mists of gloom and hopelessness. As the sky cried, my heart starts to harden. I am going back to my old self – the moody, pessimistic and stoic old me.

I do not blame you entirely for what is happening to me. I am the one who is to be blamed. How pathetic was I to believe your existence? You are nothing but a poof in my head. You were just an illusion - a dream of desperation, a mirage of misery, a phantom of pain. And I was too stupid to fall for it.

You are nothing to treasure. You remain in my head not as a dream but as a nightmare. I can no longer wait and waste my time. I wish never to see you again – in my dreams or in reality if you really do exist. Now that I am preoccupied with establishing my future, I shall no longer linger. No more sleepless nights of thinking about nothing.

Let me have my life and let me love once more. Even if you show up, it doesn’t matter no more. As what happened in Closer, “I don’t love you anymore.” The damage was done. I’m leaving. The journey goes on…

LET THERE BE LIGHT

‘God gave you two legs to walk, two hands to hold, two ears to hear, two eyes to see, but why did He gave you only one heart? Because he gave the other one to someone for you to find…’

For quite some time, I have had the belief that one of these days I shall finally meet my stranger – my special someone, my confidant, my love… High hopes, strong will and the longing inspiration to meet her kept my heart pumping with so much faith and so much flare. I could not wait for the day that I shall stare unto her eyes and make contact. For in my dreams, I had a vision of her. Every detail I could still remember – the blue jeans, the white blouse, the small frame, the skin of a Filipina, the long hair, the doe eyes, the pink lips. Every corner of the metro I had gone to, praying that in one of these visits, my fantasy would finally become a reality.

Why won’t you show yourself? Everyday, I keep on searching. I had looked all over for you. I could not find you. Where have you been hiding? Why keep me from seeing you? I’m beginning to think that all of this is just a waste of time. Are you really there? Do you really exist? Why won’t you let me love you?

As long as there is the sun, my love shall never vanish. A black hole or an eclipse shall never cover the endearing love I have for you. For I keep in my heart a flame that will burn on for eternity. I long that one day you’ll soon see the light. Não sei a quanto tempo estou a te buscar.