PUNO

Nawa'y di magamit sa akin sa hinaharap ang anumang isulat ko rito...

Napakaraming bagay na dapat gawin ngunit sa kabila nito, nakukuha ko pa ring ngumiti. Masaya talaga ang pakiramdam ko kapag abala ako sa maraming bagay. Kapag ganito kasi, pakiramdam ko may silbi ako at nagagamit ko nang husto ang mga biyaya sa akin ng Panginoon (Oo, banal ako ngayon. Marami akong dapat ipasalamat. :) ) At kung di ka nga naman matutuwa, tuwing nangyayari ito, sumusunod ang ibang mga bagay. Isang halimbawa na rito ang nakatatawang (Oo, nakatatawa) realidad na umaayos na ang aking pag-aaral (Maliban na lamang dun sa... Yun. Hahaha. Pero gaya nga ng paulit-ulit kong binabanggit... Yun na yun.)

Isa na lamang ang problema ko - di ko alam kung saan ko isisingit ang paggawa ng pelikula ko. Kung ano pa yung inaasahan kong, 'pinakamahalaga' para sa akin, yun pa ata ang napawalang bahala. Pero magagawan to ng paraan. Sana. Dapat. Dapat.

PS:
Gusto ko lang banggitin, ang ganda ng I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For ni Damien Rice. "I can't take my eyes off you... I can't take my eyes... My eyes. My eyes. 'Til I get a knife and cut you out."

FORGOTTEN LORE

Sa wakas! Natapos ko na rin ang kauna-unahang screenplay na siyang gagamitin ko sa unang maikling pelikula kung saan ako ang bumuo ng konsepto at siyang magdidirehe. Isa na naman ito sa mga munting pangarap kong unti-unting natutupad. Dito masusubukan kung may kakayahan talaga ako sa paggawa ng pelikula. Pano ba naman, bawal daw ang nudity kaya kinailangan kong ihayag ang ilang mga eksena sa pamamagitan ng paggamit ng mga simbolo o paghuhudyat ng mga dobleng kahulugan. Kung magagawa ko lang sana to ayon sa aking unang konsepto at kung may makukuha lamang akong babaeng handang ibigay ang lahat alang-alang sa sining (hahaha) siguro iba ang naging timpla nito. Pero heto na. Nagawa ko na. Sana lamang, magawa ko ito ng tama. Kahit isang tao lang ang 'magandahan' (mas angkop ata ang magustuhan) ang pelikulang ito, masaya na ako. Peksman. Isa lang - parang ang dali pero mahirap, mahirap tanawin.

ANARCHY

It was around a quarter after two when I went home. As usual, I walked along the streets of Katipunan, under the heat of the scorching sun. It was a typical day as usual. I even had the decency to hum along while walking the alley. Everything seemed cool - quiet amidst the daily routines of everyday living.

Upon reaching the intersection of Aurora Boulevard and Katipunan, I had to stop - from walking that is. Of course I had to. Cars were occupying the street, so we pedestrians have to wait for the MMDA officer's signal. However, this afternoon was different. The cars stopped moving but the officer remained flashing his go sign to the motorists. It was weird. That's why I ran. Upon reaching the middle of the highway, I realized that there was something going on. As I turned my back to look back from where I came from, I saw three men who came down from a jeep (or at least I saw them passing [running] from the jeep) - the two were after one man and they were attempting to brawl over him. It was a wonderful feat (or at least for someone like me) - they were trying to punch one another, but they weren't hitting each other. It was like they were doing a choreography for some old film or stage play. It was as if they were floating on air. The funny thing in this story is that the MMDA officer was just staring at them. I was tempted to take a video of them or at least a snapshot but I feared I might get into trouble. The weird thing is that I was willing to get into trouble just to get a cover. I was thinking I'd ran into the highway a la in action flicks and if they're still after me, I'd jump aboard a moving jeep or sprint into the train station. This daydream was over as soon as I saw a ride home and a clear path. I just stared at them beating each other with all the bystanders looking, some even hollering at them. But even when I was safe inside the FX, I could imagine more gore - I see a picture of one of them being hit by a car as they were running after each other, attempting to inflict pain. I imagine the corpse flying. Flying. Then crashing. Crash. Crash. Crash.

This is the mean world syndrome. What is pain by the way? And death? And which is worse? Blood. Drip.

FIRSTS

Have you ever longed to feel something for the first time again? Do you know the feeling when you first opened a present at Christmas Day? Or when you first listened to that song you've always sang over and over again? How about the thrill of watching that film you've always longed to see? Or the feeling you get when you first felt that special something for that special someone? These firsts may be easily taken for granted, sometimes, even overcasted by the preceding events but these moments shall forever remain irreplaceable, never to be altered, not necessarily the best, but always the first and that alone is something.

Ever since the first time it happened - dreaming about a romantic rendezvous with a total stranger, many other dreams of the same kind followed. The more dreams I had about strangers, the lesser the emotions I felt and the lesser attention I gave, wasting my time pondering about the hidden messages of my unconscious state. After the first, no longer have I been overecstatic about it. It was like a fad that suddenly lost its cool.

However, last night's dream was quite different. For the first time in many years (as much as I can recall), I had a romantic dream with someone I know. Cheezy, yes but at the same time, it was also insightful. It wasn't unexpected. Nothing big happened actually. But the fact that she was there, I was there, we were there together - in the place somewhere only we know, now that is special. It might not be the first of all time but it's our first and that is still something.

ULANULANULAN

The rain is making me move so slow. Sloth. For this day, the only things that I have done are sleeping, eating, watching and talking. I woke up late as usual. Started the day off by watching Capote. The film was so riveting that there came a point that I wanted to buy 'In Cold Blood' and read the whole damn thing for the rest of the day. But the rain made me do otherwise; I guess I was too lazy to get out. The next movie on my list was 'Eyes Wide Shut' (Yes. Cruise. Kidman. Kubrick.) The moment I blanked out, I knew I wouldn't be able to finish the film. I don't know why, definitely not because I didn't understood it, but as I heard the piano playing Moody's Mood for Love (which at first, I though it was The Closer I Get To You) I blanked out. I paused the film, went to my laptop and played the song. Later on, I resumed the film and 10 minutes later, I blanked out again. So I slept with the thought of watching it again as soon as I wake up. The minute I wake up, I didn't want to watch it anymore. Instead, I grabbed my copy of 'Garden State' and watched it. Natalie Portman is a goddess. Although I still believe that Closer is HER defining role. Having said that makes me think of watching Closer again. The shitty thing is that I don't know if I still have the time to do so. The clock is ticking. Next thing I know, I'm back again in the outside world - where the air is blue, people are red and my soul, grey. Grey? Yes, grey. Grey.

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T. DON'T HATE ME.

You can take the boy out of politics, but you can't take politics out of the boy.

Today, thanks to some people, I was elected vice president of our alumni association. I'm cool with that. I actually do have some projects in mind. The only problem is that I don't know if I'll be able to have them approved. And yes, success is another issue. Right now, I am sick and tired of being rejected - my plans, my proposals, my ideas. I hate rejection. Maybe that's why I don't have the capability of being able to commit right now - which brings me to Jack Berger. In some weird way, I find myself bizarrely connected to him. Well, the first thing is that I cannot commit (but not to worry, I have yet to do my "I'm sorry. I can't... Don't hate me" stint. That'd be a real pain for some girl's... heiny? Hahaha...) I also don't own a car (although I also don't own a motorcycle, nor do I live in the Hamptons.) and I have a thing about relationships. I also write materials which are supposed to be for men, but the opposite happens as women appear to dig them more (Rendezvous is my best example.) Right now, I also cannot sleep without music (Jazz is my thing right now.) Anyway, this comparison is pointless. All I'm trying to say is that I don't think I have a serious relationship (not just intimate, let me point that out) right now. All my relationships right now are built on one foundation - business. And that sucks. When I think about it, this theory seems to be fucking true. Right now, I need someone to prove me wrong.

FAMILIAR

It's the first time I went to mass this early. That explains the runny nose. (I'm not used to waking up so early and taking a bath right away.) To my surprise, the priest who ministered the mass is the same priest who ministers the afternoon mass. Yes, it's the American priest who speaks like Danny DeVito. He's actually good. Although he has this American humor which people barely get. Anyway, as we were having mass, I noticed someone familiar along the aisle - (3<0 freak... Hahaha) Speaking of familiar, I also saw some of my old students. I actually missed them. I missed seeing them enjoy coloring, throwing their slippers to get a mango, their chitchats. Perhaps one time I could get to visit them. Perhaps.

AFFIRMATION

This is the first time in many months that I'm gonna write this way... Pure and simple.

Com ended at 4. As soon as it did, people started to walk. I followed and I was at the back of the line. People didn't notice it. (Why should they anyway?) Well, except for one who asked if I was alright. I replied, saying yes - I was alright... At least that's what I said. Upon reaching SEC walk, some took seats while others continued walking. I sat too. Then I opened my Law book to continue reading. Minutes later, people were planning about eating dinner. They stood up, as they were about to walk again. I remained seated. I didn't want to come. A few seconds later, I found myself standing up. By that time, they were still uncertain where to go (Or at least I thought so), so I went ahead and went to the sanctuary that is the library. I stayed there for about an hour or so. It was actually fulfilling albeit the tension created by the subject being focused upon. Call it geeky but I'm getting to love the ambiance of the library more and more - the silence, people sleeping, butt cracks at times, those things. At 5:30 I had to leave. I even saw some of my classmates studying near the window. I didn't approach them. I came back to SEC walk (Note to hidden camera: Why is it that when I am supposed to type "SEC walk", I end up pressing the wrong key in lieu of the 3rd letter of the first word? Fascinating.) to eat a snack before the dreaded class. I sat on a bench alone. Seeing the people around me, I noticed that almost all of them were either by pair or by group; I seemed like the only one alone. What's ironic is that during that moment, that moment of solitude - I actually felt alive. Minutes later, my classmates who had just finished eating outside came back - some of them said hi; some just passed by; a few sat next to me; and one asked if I was doing alright (I just gave the person a thumb up.) It was then when I was awakened; I realized that I was back to reality.

Affirmation.

It was today when I realized the possibility of living alone. Before, I just had a mindset that I can; but in a sense, I didn't actually want to. Now I know I can, only if I would want to. After all, it was I who was holding me back all along...

THIEVING MAGPIE

Unang araw ng pagtutuos. Hindi pa rin ako tapos. Nagagawa ko pa ring ngumiti kahit mali-mali itong ginagawa ko. Nababaliw na nga siguro ako. Masyado na siguro akong nagagalak habang pinakikinggan ko itong Thieving Magpie. Ang pakiramdam ko, sobra kong galak na tipong mamaya may gagawin akong masaya tulad ng pag-iisip ni Alex de Large. Sana lamang hindi ang sarili ko ang mapatay ko sa ginagawa kong ito.

Nakikita ko ngayon ang kopya ko ng librong Specimen Days na selyado pa rin ng plastic. Wala lang. Gusto ko lang banggitin. Syempre. Pwede bang hindi ko maisingit si Virginia Woolf sa isang sulatin tungkol sa aking pagkabaliw? (Mensahe sa kritiko: Hindi nga si Virginia Woolf ang nagsulat ng libro kung hindi, si Michael Cunninghan na siya ring nagsulat ng The Hours. Ayan. Connect the dots!) Kailan kaya darating ang panahon na matatapos ko nang mabasa itong mga nakatambak na libro rito? Sa bagay, katangahan din naman kung bakit pa ko bumibili ng libro gayong ubod ko ng tamad magbasa.

Natutuwa talaga ako sa sinematograpiya ng pelikulang 2046 ni Wong Kar Wai. Wala lang uli. Ang lakas kasi ng dating - ang ilaw, usok, balat. Mahusay, napakahusay. Pero syempre wala pa ring tatalo sa itinuturing kong isa sa mga pinakamahusay na pelikulang nagawa - 2001: A Space Odyssey. Malamang. 1968. Tandaan. 1968. Kaya siguro nagkaroon ng mga usaping peke ang pagtapak nina Neil Armstrong sa buwan.

PILLS, PILLS, PILLS

Almost 11 pm. Not yet done with anything. I can see lights flickering. I'm supposed to be asleep right now. I might be in a while. It seems so easy but it's tough when you think about it. 2 consecutive sleepless days. That's harsh man. This makes me think about swallowing a paracetamol, which also makes me think of my mom judging my medicine intake - everytime she sees me swallowing a pill or something, she has this criticism that makes me feel like I'm a junkie. Do I look like a junkie? (Hahaha) Anyway, I think I'm hearing voices now. I feel like my ceiling's about to crack open as I see the sky and the moon. All that seems to be lacking right now is Prior's angel barometer (which I need not mention because there are conservative people who might stumble upon this blog... Hahaha) And of course, there's also the angel that has eight vaginas. Like I care. *Evil grin*

COMMERCIAL

Kung hindi mo nga pala natatanong, okay na okay ang pakiramdam ko ngayon. 33.33% pa lamang ang nagagawa ko pero masasabi kong natapos ko na ang obligasyon ko. (Shit, ano to Law? Hahaha... Mali, maling mali... Hahaha) Dahil dito, para akong natetempt na manood ng isang pelikula bago matapos ang araw. Kahapon ko pa naman pinapanaginipang panooring muli ang A Clockwork Orange o di kaya Casablanca. Tunay na pelikula lamang ang nakapagbibigay ligaya sa akin sa kasalukuyan. (Hahaha... Bigay lagaya...) Sa totoo lang, hindi lang yun ang gusto kong gawin. Ngayon pa lang gusto ko nang gumawa ng teaser trailer ng ginagawa kong pelikula. Hilaw pa pero gusto ko na talaga eh.

WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE

All I can think about right now is Stanley Kubrick's A Clockwork Orange, specifically the part where Alex de Large is having sex with a woman - the sex, being too obscene, is compensated with a fast forward effect accompanied with Mozart's William Tell Overture. I don't know about you, but I consider that scene pure genius.

Recently, I've been too much into classical music. Mozart, Bach, Chopin, Beethoven - soothing, enthralling, brilliant. How I'd love to use them in my future endeavors. (Ahem, ahem...) I don't know about Sofia Coppola (Her period, costume drama Marie Antoinette that makes use of rock music), but I'm happy with using classical music in a modern setting.

Speaking of future endeavors, I am still on the method of creative absorption. Well, if you're gonna notice my works (excluding Becca's Dream, which up to now remains unfinished), I have yet to create my muse (in the fictional sense, that is). That's what's also keeping me occupied right now (well, aside from the many 'other' things I am juggling right now). I don't want to be known as a sexist (Hahaha).

In no less than 24 hours, hell will approach. Still, I remain incessant. Only if I could fast forward into the future...

NORMAL

Ilang oras na ang lumipas nang sabihin kong matutulog muna ako bago ko gawin ang mga dapat kong gawin. Ilang oras na rin ang nakalipas nang nagising ako mula sa aking pagtulog ngunit hanggang ngayon, wala pa rin akong ginagawang 'produktibo'. Sa ngayon, ako lang talaga ang kilala kong gago na nakagagawa nito - na sa kabila ng malapit nang pagkuha ng mahabang pagsusulit, pagpasa ng mga papel at pangangailangang mag-aral para sa isang napakademanding na asignatura, heto ako, nakatunganga, naghihintay ng isang taong katulad ko na kakausap sa akin. Sadyang ganito talaga ako. Hindi ko alam kung bakit. Sa usaping 'priorities' (kung kilala mo ko), alam mo naman na siguro kung ano ang tunay na mas matimbang at mahalaga sa akin. Iyon lang naman ang pinagtutuunan ko ng pansin ngayon, kahit mag-isa, gagawin, tatapusin - dito ako masaya eh. Siguro ito na nga ang paulit-ulit na binabanggit ng mga tao tungkol sa akin. Ang buhay nga naman... Hindi mo alam kung saan ka nito dadalhin, pero kaya ka nga may mga paa at sariling pag-iisip, para kahit paano, mamaneobra mo ang direksyon mo; tangayin ka man palayo, makababalik ka pa rin... Kung gugustuhin mo.

IS THE BRIDGE FALLING DOWN?

Ang mensaheng ito ay mula lamang sa isang (o isa mga maraming) concerned na mamamayang naabala ng isang proyektong isinasagawa. (Kung dumadaan ka sa Marcos Bridge, alam mo na kung tungkol saan ito.)

Noon, kapag umuuwi ako mula sa Aurora/Katipunan patungo sa aking tinitirahang subdibisyon bago magMasinag, pagkasakay ko, inaabot lamang ako ng (kasing bilis ng) 10 hanggang 30 oras, depende sa trapik para makarating. Ngunit dahil sa malaking sagabal na 'pag-aayos' sa tulay sa Marcos Highway, inaabot ako minsan lagpas pa ng isang oras para lamang makauwi. Kapag minalas, wala pa akong masakyan sapagkat ayaw dumaan ng mga drayber sa may Katipunan dahil alam nila, doon pa lang, baradong-barado na ang daanan.

Hindi ko alam kung gaano kahalagang kutingtingin ang tulay na nabanggit ngayon at kailangang magdusa ang mga katulad kong naaantala ng ganitong sitwasyon. Siguro naman alam nilang may pasok hindi ba? Bakit naman po kasi kailangan ngayon galawin yan?

Hindi rin naman kaila sa akin ang bagong remedyong naisip nila sa kasalukuyan - ang pagkakaroon ng counterflow sa kabilang kalsada tuwing gabi (kung saan walang bahaging ginagawa). Ngunit hindi kaya nila napansin na sa ganitong pamamaraan, yung kabila naman ang naaapektuhan? Nasa tapat ka palang ata ng Mariposa, hindi na gumagalaw ang mga sasakyan sa sobrang trapik. Sana lamang huwag nilang gawin ito tuwing umaga, kung hindi, baka ang pagbiyahe ko ng humigit-kumulang 30 minuto ay umabot na ng dalawang oras.

Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin mapagtanto kung bakit kailangan gawin ngayon ito. Isa pa sigurong halimbawa (ngunit hindi kasing lala ng nauna) ay ang kalsadang dinadaanan ng mga tricycle sa tabi ng Mini Stop Katipunan. Tuwing nakaupo ako sa likod ng drayber at dumadaan kami sa tabi ng ginagawang kalsada, pakiramdam ko mahuhulog na lamang ako sa putikan (huwag naman sana) sa kitid ng daan. Sana lamang, gawin nilang basehan ito sa mga susunod pa nilang proyekto. Wala naman akong reklamo sa pagpapaayos nila, ang sa akin lang, mali ang panahon at maraming naaabala.

DUGO

Marahil alam na ng mga nakabasa ng AMDG na isa akong weirdo magsulat - kakaibang uri ng pagkamatay, may karahasang pumapangibabaw. Sa simpleng salita - malabo. Siguro hindi ka na maninibago pag nalaman mo ang kuwentong pilit kong binubuo ngayon (sa tulong na rin ng isang kaibigan) ay siyang higit pang mas weirdo sa naunang nabanggit na kuwento. Hindi ko alam kung bakit, pero iyon talaga ang pumapangibabaw na kaisipan at pakiramdam sa akin ngayon - ang paghahampas sa isang kaawa-awang nilalang, ang pagpupumiglas, ang pagtagas ng dugo. Hindi ko ginagamit ang ganitong klaseng estilo sapagkat isinusulong ko ang karahasan. Para sa akin, ito lamang ang pinakaepektibong pamamaraan kung saan ko maipahahayag ang aking mga iniisip at nararamdaman sa kasalukuyan. Hindi rin ako magtataka kung magkamali ng pagbasa ang ilang mga karaniwang manonood (lalo na yaong mga babad sa pelikulang komersyal). Hindi ba't ang A Clockwork Orange ni Stanley Kubrick ay hindi rin gaano naunawaan ng mga manonood noong panahong ito'y ipinalabas? Maintindihan man o malabuan, magustuhan o langawin, masaya na kong makagagawa ako ng isang pelikula na ramdam ang boses ko.

MASAYA

Masaya ako sapagkat alam kong may kakayanan akong gawin ang anumang gusto kong gawin. Masaya ako sa kabila ng lahat ng kapalpakang nangyayari sa aking palagid; na kahit tila napakababa na minsan ng pagtingin ko sa sarili ko, alam kong kaya kong lagpasan ang lahat ng mga sagabal na ito at balang araw ako naman ang nakatayo nang tuwid at taas-noo. Masaya ako sapagkat nakikilala ko ang mga tunay na taong maaasahan ko at mapagkakatiwalaan ko; sa kabila ng sistema ng gamitang nangyayari sa ganitong klase ng buhay, kilala ko pa rin ang mga taong hindi ako iiwan at magiging kaibigan ko habambuhay. Masaya ako sapagkat alam kong may liwanag - hindi na kaila ang katotohanang ito. Masaya ako sapagkat nalulubos ko ang bawat segundo. Alam kong may hangganan ang kaligayahang ito, pero hindi ko muna iintindihin iyon. Basta ang alam ko, masaya ako. Iyon lang naman ang mahalaga - ang maging masaya.

RENDEZVOUS

My first screenplay attempt at the romance genre...

Have you ever had the feeling that you've already met the person you're gonna spend the rest of your life with? What if this person abandons you? What if 10 years later you meet again? How will you confront his attempt at redemption?

Rendezvous is my insight to this kind of premise.

Rendezvous, a story about 'a second chance' is available only at Kramthologies.

CHOICE

Several nights ago, I had another one of those film noir dreams I have once in a blue moon (Yuck, blue moon). This time, it had Meryl Streep in it. Along with Clint Eastwood, it seemed like an old Western film in black and white. What's interesting about this is that I was in the set. What my role was, well, that I could not tell. (Certainly, it didn't seem like just a simple production assistant [Which I loathe. Yes. Loathe. {Hi, future PA's!}]) Well, whatever my role was, it felt satisfying enough to make me linger. Inevitably, since my first dream of this kind a few years back (The one where I dreamt of a dark hotel (in a Hitchcock-like premise) where Marlon Brando as a fugitive was trying to escape the clutches of either Humphrey Bogart or Clark Gable [I think it was Bogey. But I'm not sure.]), I've been having a hunger to create something like that of the quality of the old film genres (Where script was highly prioritized as opposed to visual effects and other 'entertaining' aspects of film). Frankly, I can't wait to shoot a film (again). Who knows, (although this isn't my priority) my other dream about myself and Charlize Theron walking to the Oscar podium might come true one day! (Yeah baby yeah!)