RED STREAKS

“If you're always battling against getting older, you're always going to be unhappy, because it's going to happen anyhow.” –Morrie Schwartz

When I was a kid, I loved playing in the grass. Just the thought of it reminds me of the smell of soil, most especially after it had rained; I could smell the aroma rising from the earthen ground as I stepped on the strands of grass fresh with droplets of morning dew. One rare thing that I enjoyed when I take a breather after a long day’s play was to stare at the grass; the movement of the grass while the wind danced with them was therapeutic. But what makes this event even more special was the presence of red in the streaks of the grass. As it waved, it seems as though it was fire that flickered as the red grass flirted with the wind – it reminded me that to be a child was eternal. I did not want to grow old and face the responsibilities and the reality elders have spoken about.

Why do people hate to grow old? Just yesterday, my two cousins talked about their wanting to be seventeen again. They said it was so different now compared to when they were at that age – the curiosity and urge of a growing boy gave them such distinct excitement and splendor; for now it seems like everyday is a routine. I, on the other hand feels the opposite; I want to grow old, as soon as possible… Now!

“With the crown of snow cometh wisdom”, that’s one of the quotes I live by in this critical age. As you grow older, you gain more knowledge, your wisdom expands. You learn more things about life that were once taboo when you were young. You learn lessons that make life more than what it seems. Like what Morrie said in the book Tuesdays With Morrie, you’ll never hear an 80-year old man want to be 17 again. Maybe he would want his youth back but he would never want to lose his wisdom he gained through the years. For the only reason behind this urge of becoming young once again is to escape the reality of death ( which I shall discuss further in the coming days).

I want to grow old because I’m tired of being entrapped within 4 walls. I believe that I am mature enough to face this so-called reality, this harshness, this survival of the fittest, this world.

Today, as I was on my way home, I saw a familiar object that glimmered against the sun – the red streaks tattooed on the grass. Unlike before, they reminded me of something else. It was not at all the fire of youth. It was the flame of glory.

KUBLI

“Many of us who walk to and fro upon our usual tasks are prisoners drawing mental maps of escape”

Kahapunan ng Linggo. Binuhusan ko ang aking sarili ng maligamgam na tubig. Maligamgam lagi ang aking panligo; ayoko ng sobrang malamig o sobrang init. Tamang tama lang ang maligamgam. Hinagod ko ang aking buhok; matigas ito dahil sa wax na nilalagay ko ngunit nang nabasa ito’y tila numipis. Kinuskos ko ito at nilagyan ng shampoo. Muli ay kinuskos ko ito at tinignan ko ang mga kamay ko - ang daming buhok. Anong ibig sabihin nito? Bat naglalagas ang buhok ko? Nakakalbo na ba ko? Sa loob ng sampung minuto ng aking pagligo, ilang ulit kong hinaplos ang aking bumbunan at tsaka tinignan ang aking mga kamay – ang daming buhok. Di na ko naglagay ng kung anuman sa buhok.

Ilang minuto na lang, ala sais y medya na; magsisimula na ang misa, malalate na naman kami, wala na namang upuan. Habang naglalakad kami patungo palabas, napansin kong napakagaan ng aking pagtindig na tila para bang ako’y lumulutang. Ngunit ang aking mata’y naluluha na kapansin-pansin kamakailan ang paulit ulit ng pangyayaring ito na di ko maipaliwanag. Pagdating sa labas ay kahina-hinala ang mabilis naming pagsakay patungo sa simbahan. May halos limang minuto na lamang ngunit himalang walang traffic at sa aming pagdating ay marami pang mga upuan.

Ang tagal bago nagsimula ng misa kaya nagkaroon ako ng pagkakataong magmasid sa aking kapaligiran. (Kahit naman nagmimisa eh ginagawa ko to) Nagvibrate ang cellphone ko ngunit di ko na tinangkang silipin ito dahil ayokong makagambala pa sa mata ng mga snatcher. Naalala ko si Ada dahil sa nakita kong bading na kumekerenkeng. Ngunit dahil sa aking kakabasang libro’y tila naintindihan ko ang kanyang kalagayan na ang pagpapapansin ang tangi nilang paraan para ikubli ang kanilang mga hinanakit at saloobin. Sa gilid ay nagsimula nang lumakad ang pari patungo sa pinakaentrance ng simbahan; napangiti ako nang makita ko siya dahil hindi siya yung pari na palaging pulitika ang ginagamit sa sermon o yung pari na tinatawag na Pakistani ng tito ko dahil sa paraan ng pagsasalita na hirap akong intindihin noon. Ngunit paglipas ng ilang minuto’y madidismaya ako dahil parang pinaghalo siya nung dalawang pari na aking binanggit kaya hindi ko napigilang gawin ang kadalasan kong nagagawa kapag di ko maintindihan o di ako sang-ayon sa pari – ang magmunimuni.

Nagsimulang umawit yung choir na parang recorded ang boses; yung parang mga singers ng Ilocano songs na pinakikinggan ng tito ko dati sa bahay. Magaling naman sila, saludo ako sa kakayahan nila kaso nga lang di ko gusto yung mga pinili nilang kantahin sa araw na iyon. Pero nakisabay pa rin ako sa pagkanta kasi catchy talaga yung style nila. Naalala ko tuloy yung mga madre sa Sister Act at sa isang bahagi, si Carrie Underwood. Napagisip-isip ko tuloy, pano kaya kahit one time lang, isang artista yung kumanta sa misa? Tiyak marami ang magsisimba nun di tulad ngayon kakaunti lang tila nakatanga pa.

Tinitigan ko ang pari habang ito’y nagsesermon; tila nagpapatawa siya dahil tumatawa siya habang nagsasalita habang ang iba’y walang kaimik-imik. Marahil ay di rin maintindihan ng iba ang sinasabi at pagsabi kaya walang reaksiyon ang mga ibang nagsisimba. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay naisip ko ang sinabi ng aking propesora sa English na ang sinumang magaling magsulat o magsalita ay magaling din dapat mangutya. Bigla dumako sa aking isipan – paano kaya kung magpari na lang ako? Kaya siguro umoonti ang nagsisimba ay dahil puro import na lang na pari na di nila maintindihan ang pananalita. O kung meron mang Pilipinong pari ay nakakaantok naman ang mga sinesermon nito. Eh kung ako kaya ang magpari at magsermon balang araw? Mahilig naman ako magsulat at magsalita. Pwede kaya? Wide-range naman ang ComTech at may nagtapos sa kursong iyon na naging pari! Pwede rin ako sigurong magturo at magsulat bilang sideline. Teka. Ngunit bago ko tuluyang isinubsob ang sarili sa isipang ito ay naalala ko tuloy ang sabi ng dati kong guro sa Values, mahal ang pagpapari. Bat nga ba di ko natanong ito noong ako’y may pagkakataon? Pano magiging mahal ang pagpapari eh wala namang kagarbuhan na dapat pagkagastusan di tulad ng ibang mga kurso? Napagisip-isip ko na lang na bahagi ito ng vow ng isang pari sa pagtatakwil ng anumang materyal na bagay at kayamanang kinagisnan. Tinitigan ko muli ang pari… Sabay pagsabi sa sarili, “Pwede rin naman ako magbigay serbisyo sa ibang pamamaraan…”

Binuhos ko na lang ang mga nalalabing oras sa aktibong partisipasyon sa misa sa pamamagitan ng pagkanta at pagsagot. Nginitian nga ako nung katabi kong ale nung magpeace. Di ko alam kung natatawa o natutuwa siya sa kin pero nginitian ko na rin. Nang magkomunyon ay tila napakagaan at napakaamo ng pakiramdam ko. Di na nagluluha ang mata ko. Nang matapos ang misa, madali kaming nagpunta sa sakayan. May nakita akong isang matandang ale na nakatungkod. Lumambot na naman ang aking puso; sadyang may kahinaan ako kapag nakakikita ng mga matatanda, ewan ko kung bakit. Sumakay na kami, pinauna ko na lang ang matanda at inalalayan. Ngumiti siya sa kin.

Nang makarating kami sa mall, tila nagiba ang aking pakiramdam. Di ko maipaliwanag kung anong nangyari pero nagiba ito di gaya nung maamo kong ugali kani-kanina lang. Tila naiirita ako. Pinaypayan pa ang pagliyab ng pagkairita ko nang makita ko yung babaeng masungit sa stall ng Pizza Hut, ng mga makukulit na bata na naghaharutan, at nung mataray na cashier sa Bench. Sa pagkakataong iyon ay wala akong maramdamang basa sa aking mga mata; nakakunot lamang ang aking noo. Naalala ko yung sermon ng pari tungkol sa ekonomiya habang nakatingin sa paligid. Nanikip ang pakiramdam ko at natahimik ako. Lumingon ako sa aking paligid at naisip ko ang pagluluha ng aking mata at ang paglalagas ng aking buhok.

DARNA AND ZSA ZSA ZATURNNAH

Please take a look at the title again. For sure you are very much familiar with the name Darna but have you ever heard of Zsa Zsa Zaturnah? To give you a clue, they are both superheroes made by Filipinos; they both got this magical stone which if they swallow would turn them into an extraordinary superhuman being that would save their town from evil against giant monsters and that usual shiznit; they both got this sidekick who is the only one who knows about the secret; and of course they both have this inspiration which seemed unreachable at first. Do you think I’m kidding? No I am not. So now, what do you think separates these two? I’ll let you think of the answer for a while. For the meantime, here’s something to add to bug your brain.

Para Sa Mga Di Makauunawa Sa Kabuluhan Ng Tulang Ito

Sumisikat na naman ang araw,
Iniisip mong bagong liwanag ang naghihintay sayo.
Ngunit para sa iba na kasalimuha mo,
Ang dapat sana’y maliwanag ay siyang tinatakpan mo.

Hahakbang ka sa maluwag na daan,
Dama mong mga paang napakagaang tila lumulutang.
Ngunit para sa iba na kasama mo,
Ang dapat sana’y maluwag ay pinasisikip ng mga tapak mo.

Wala kang magawa sa buhay mo,
Tatawag ka ng karamay sa pagaakalang masaya siya sa piling mo.
Ngunit para sa iba na katunghay mo,
Ang dapat sana’y malaya ay inaalila ng paninikil mo.

Kung inaakala mong mananatili ang iyong pagpupunyagi,
Ika’y nagkakamali!
Darating ang araw na maiintindihan ng makitid na kokote mo,
Iba ang puti sa asul.

Got the answer? Okay I won’t prolong your lingering anymore. The only difference between Darna and Zsa Zsa Zaturnnah is that the former is a woman and the latter is gay. Flabbergasted? How I wish the people in the poem are also.

SIFT THROUGH SANDS

If Steven Spielberg had Amblin and George Lucas had THX 1138, what does Mark Peregrino have? What will I have? The two aforementioned personas had their first film turned into cinema icons – Spielberg named his production company Amblin which has produced a number of A-class award winning films while George Lucas adapted his into a feature length film and of course the brand THX you see in cinemas was made possible by the great filmmaker. When they were at my age, they have already done these phenomenal films which are now stellar and iconic. But what do I have?

Filmmaking takes time and passion. Right now, I’m giving it almost all my time and having it as my only passion. Although I am not technically working my ass out in shooting, editing and other technical stuff, I am slowly learning and planning. Like a devoted filmmaker, I am already creating story boards, sequences and others for a film which I am not sure I can man by myself alone. Technically this would be my first official film for the story, script and direction shall solely emanate from me. Also, uncertainty surrounds me as I fret that the intensity of the power that the story would generate most especially to viewers who are not fond of the genre I wish to master. As you know, breaking the odds and flouting the norms excites me the most.

Planning the future is an uneasy task to be done. What I shall be years from now is still uncertain. Although there is already a clear path I want to trek, I do not possess the power to control it. Years from now, I may already have won my most coveted Oscar, or write for The Manila Bulletin, or teach in a Philippine school, or be an ambassador for a 3rd world country or do something else. All I know is that it’s hard to sift through sands when it’s hot.

BETTER DAYS

Just when I thought that I would never be associated with the letters “B” and “F” for a long time, my freshman advisory grade comes to spoil all the fun. (What? You thought I’ll be someone’s boyfriend again? Keep on dreaming.) As expected, I got my big fat F in my so-called favorite subject, Mathematics! Technically it’s a D if I get to cancel one long test and include the other long test and the effing midterms. But what the heck, an F is still an F. Contrary, the good news is that I got a B and B+’s in all my other subjects. (How consistent)

A week ago, while I was on my way home, I fell into a trance. Next thing I know, I’m miles away from my stop. I didn’t know what happened; I was dumbfounded by the fact that I didn’t even remember taking a glance at my place. Not noticing a few blocks was excusable but the distance I missed was extreme. And so I took another ride and got home. This incident, ironically symbolizes my path in college - all I needed was Com, but I preferred to take the extra mile by taking up Com Tech. Question is – should I move backwards to where I belong or trek the undiscovered territory?

For now, I still do not know whether I’d take the easy road and move a few steps backwards. All I know is that I’m willing do what it takes to prove myself – to protect the (ascending) reputation I build throughout all these years. Just as I said in the past, I never back out on a challenge so long as I know the realism that surrounds it. This realistic belief backed up by optimism shall be my key to victory.

“I’m about to change my vibe. Today the sun’s gonna shine. Cause I made up my mind. That today will be the start of better days. Leavin’ old shit behind; and move on with my life. The blindfold’s off my eyes. And now all I see for me are better days.”

SHOULDA, WOULDA, COULDA

In Math, what do you do when you want to change the sign of a number from negative to positive? You have to transpose it or in simple words – move it from one side to the other. Right now, I am a negative number – irritated, uncertain and lost.

Since the day I had to decide what course I am to take up in college, I had no idea what specific field I want to focus on but I was pretty sure where I wanted to be. On one fateful day a year ago, there was this speaker from the university I craved to go to. Being in the state of confusion, desperation couldn’t be resisted as I asked which course best suits me. And thus, he recommended the one that I am taking up now. I should have known better.

Pride is such a prick. Had I chosen to go to the “other” university, I wouldn’t have problems like this. I would probably have a more suitable learning in the field I want to take up. Same thing goes to the “other” school in my recent college where the course closest to the one I best prefer is. It’s not that I’m having bad education in the place I am right now, it’s just that I strongly feel that it’s not what I need. With the rate this is going, who knows where I’d end up. I would have known better.

Yesterday, I had one of those moments which I consider one of my only sanctuaries in my recent college life; I attended a filmmaking seminar where directing is the topic and the speaker for the said activity was a young, well-known and award-winning director. Just when I thought that I wouldn’t have any feelings of regret because of the pleasure that I would be experiencing during the talk, the speaker narrates on how he had chosen the wrong path during the course of his life when he was just starting just like I am. Then he goes saying that he did everything and I mean everything in order for him to be back on the right track that includes going to UP, attending filmmaking seminars, making short films and studying filmmaking abroad. Need I say more? I could have known better.

The road of life is a maze. Why are there detours, intersections and expressways when you can just take one road that would take you to where you want to go? The answer – it makes life more exciting, more complicated and in the end more fulfilling. Eventually, all of this would be over. Next thing I’ll now, I’ll be on the Oscar podium with my first Oscar. Seriously, I hope everything would fall in place; after all these complications, that there would really be excitement instead of fright and eventually there would truly be fulfillment in this so-called life. For the last thing I want to say in the end are the words: shoulda, woulda, coulda.

FORGOTTEN

In many of the popular songs, there is this one line that truly strikes me most – “You don’t know what you got ‘til it’s gone…” I’ve heard it often, may the songs be of Usher or Janet, different in words but still of the same context. Do you believe in it? While you’re still pondering, let me share to you this simple creation I wrote through sudden bursts of my emotions.

Porindyer

I.
Ang buhay nga nama’y sadyang mapaglaro;
Kung sino pang katutubo’y siyang namamaltrato,
Kung sino pang dayuha’y siyang nilalagay sa trono.
Dali! Ito! Basahin ang aking kwento.

May isang katutubo, ngalan niya’y Teban,
Matagal na siyang naninirahan dito sa bayan.
Kagalang galang dito ang kanyang ngalan.
Ngunit bakit sa pakikitungo sa kanya’y walang katibayan?

Umayos ang bayan dahil sa dami ng kanyang naitulong;
Marahil ay ubod ng dami talaga ng kanyang dunong.
Halos lahat na nang maaari ay kanyang naisulong,
Ngunit bakit ang pagtanggap ng tao’y di pa rin umuusbong?

Inisip ng binata kung ano ang kulang sa kanya;
Lumaganap ang bayan sa kanyang biyaya,
Wala naman siyang natatandaang kanyang nakutya,
Ngunit bakit ang turing sa kanya’y para lamang dikya?

Dumating ang panahong kailangan na niyang umalis,
Ipinagdasal ang nakaraa’y sana’y mawalis.
Di na niya kailanmang gusto muling maghinagpis,
Na ang turing sa kanya ay para lamang ipis.

Nang makilala ang mga bagong kahalobilo,
Inakala ni Teban lahat ay magbabago.
Ngunit sa kasawiang palad siya’y nabigo,
Para na naman siyang tinae ng aso.

Isang araw may dumating isang nagngangalang Lin Qing
Walang kadala-dala ni isang kusing,
Ngunit parang diyos kung siya’y itinuring;
Samantalang ang kaaba-abang si Teba’y nilibing.

II.
Di lubos maisip ni Teban kung ano ang meron siya,
Heto pa isang iskolar, tinalikuran ang bayan para sa kanya.
“O Lin Qing, ano bang bighani ang meron ka,
Eh kung husay ang paguusapan, ika’y walang wala!”

Napuno ang binata at naisipang pumalaot,
Di na nya makayanan ang sinasapit na poot.
Hawak ang dalawang litrato ng mga lugar na sapot
Sinigaw, “Diyos ko! Ang tao ba’y sadyang mararamot?”

Nang may isang dating kaibigang naparaan,
Binati ito nang buong saya’t walang katamlayan;
Di katulad dati noong doon pa siya nanunuluyan.
Ito’y buong pusong ikinalugod ni kaibigan Teban.

Tanong ng kaibigan, “Kumusta ang bagong buhay?”
Sabay sagot ni Teban, “Eto napakatamlay!”
“Para pala bagang iyong iniwang nayon!”, wika ng karamay
Kanyang itinuloy, “Di katulad dati noong dito ka humihimlay…”

“Totoo ba itong aking naririnig?”, sabi ni Teban sa kanyang sarili.
“Mas mabuti pa po noong ikaw ang kumakandili;
Bumalik na po kasi kayo rito”, wika ng kaibigan nawiwili,
Na nagsilbing boses ng mga dati’y walang paki.

Tumingala ang binata sa kalangtian,
Sabay winika, “Bakit ngayon lamang nawala ang karimlan?
Kung kailan ako’y isa nang dayuhan,
Tsaka ako minahal ng aking mga kababayan!”

Lumingon si Teban sa kaibigang mabait,
Ni isang salita’y wala itong isinambit.
Naisip nito ang lahat ng kanyang sinapit,
Ang mga litratong hawak kanyang pinunit.

Isn’t it ironic when people look for something when it’s already gone? When it’s there they just ignore it but when it’s not there they go look for it. Why could that be? Ah… The mysteries of the human behavior are truly puzzling. Make up your mind will you?

ROOTS

With the beginning of a brand new month and with it being our National Language Month, I had decided to open brand new doors to a medium and form I have been neglecting for the past few years – Filipino and poetry. Hereon I shall be posting original compositions of Filipino poetry which I have compiled through my day to day observations and experiences. Without further ado, I present to you my magnum opus.

Epex

I.
“Mama! San na’ng aking sukli?”
Wika ng isang mamang ngipi’y sungki.
Ang iyang klaseng pag-uugali
Maaasahan ba sa isang lalaking de-puti?
Sa galit pahabol ni kalbo, “Di ko po sinasadyang ikubli;
Iyo na ang kakarampot lamang ninyong sukli!”

Marahil bago lang ay wala pang alam,
Destinasyon at halaga na kanyang kinakamkam.
Impormasyon sa pasahe laging hinihiram
Pasahero niya’y ginagawang tagapagpaalam
Ng simpleng mga bagay sa kanya’y nagbibigay ulam.
Buti na lang ang tiya’y di pa kumakalam.

Pagbayad ng pasahero, “Mama! Sa Filinvest lang po.”
“Ayan ho Filinvest.” Maya-maya’y wika ni kalbo.
Ngunit di ba’t di pa Filinvest ito?
Sa tunay na destinasyon ay may nagpahinto,
“Mama! Sa Filinvest lang po!”
“Teka, Filinvest na nga ba ito”, wika sa sarili sabay kamot sa ulo.

II.
Pagdating sa gasolinahan, “Wanhandred terti diesel iho.”
Paglipas ng ilang sandali, “Di mo ba narinig ang sabi ko?
Bat biglang naging dalawandaan ang metro?”
Di ko yan babayaran gago!
Malinaw na malinaw ang aking samo
Bawasan mo yan o bayaran mo!”

Di yata ito ang unang sigalutan sa gasolinahan.
Minsa’y may isang tinderong nagulumihanan.
Nagbayad na ang kalbong mama ngunit kinalimutan.
Nang muling singilin ito’y pinandilatan.
“Ano yang sinasabi mong kalokohan?
Tarantado ka pala nagbayad na ko di mo man lang namalayan!”

Parang noong isang beses siya naman ang salarin –
Nagbayad na ang isang binata na patpatin,
Ngunit nakalimutan ni kalbo’t naisipan muling singilin,
“Wag mo kong lolokohin
Di ka pa nagbabayad bata! Wag mo kong ismolin!”
Takot na bata’y nagbayad muli nang pangala’y linisin.

III.
Ang alita’y mahirap nga naman pigilan.
Lalo na kay drayber at iho sa gasulinahan,
Kundi si kalbo’t pasahero naman.
Bagamat di naman ito palagian
Kung sino pa ang dapat nagtutulungan
Kahit mababaw na dahila’y pinagbabangayan.

Mahirap kung sariling intension ang laging isip.
Minsa’y may isang pasaherong napapaidlip
Wika kay kalbo, “Sa Aurora po ba patungo ang dyip?”
“Oo” sagot naman ng drayber sabay silip.
Maya-maya’y minaniobra paalis sa kalsadang masikip,
Pinalitan ng P. Tuazon ang kariton sa kanyang pagkainip.

Kawawang bata, kung di pinalita’y sana’y sa klase’y di nahuli.
Ano nga ba ang aking ginagawa’t di pa ako nag-aatubili?
Tama na ang pagsisisi sa epex na bagamat nakakainis ay kawili-wili
Kayrami na nitong aking napulot sa ating pintakasi
Talagang mahuhuli na ako sa aking klase
Ngunit teka, di ba’t kanina nagsimula ang pag-aaral sa loob ng malaking taksi?

As you notice, this is a simple observation of my day to day experience as I journey for school. Simple as it may seem, but I truly believe a line by Rizal’s fictional character from Noli Me Tangere, Pilosopong Tasyo that goes something like, “Nagsusulat ako hindi para sa kasalukuyan… Nagsusulat ako nang sa gayon balang araw ay mabasa ito ng mga kabataan sa bagong henerasyon at malaman nila kung ano ang ating mga pinagdaraanan at maiwasto nila ang nararapat para sa kinabukasan ng bayan.” The epex may indeed symbolize our beloved country. I would not elaborate on that. It’s for you to find on your own. It’s not that hard to analyze when you think of it. Just pretend you’re riding in an FX, your mind sailing adrift and then you’ll realize you’ve reached “your destination”.