UNPLAYED PIANO

And the toughest test of the moment is learning how to resist that special-kind-of-smile whenever I hear your name...

RECENT DEVELOPMENTS

On school:
I have yet to speak to a guidance counselor. I have to wait two more weeks to get the chance to do so. However, I had just received information on what perhaps may be the biggest factor that would make me discontinue this plan. This I still have to confirm. Note that I am still 90% positive in the pursuit of this shift.

On religion:
I had just realized that I am a practical atheist of sorts. It's a shame actually. I think I need to work on this sometime really soon.

On politics:
I am a qualified yet unregistered voter. Next topic please.

On career:
I have finally created a concrete vision of what my next short film would look like. I am excited to begin working on it. I just hope I have the time to do so; I hope the actors would have the time too or else goodbye concept.

On friendship:
I've been somewhat cheesy lately. What is up with that? I just hope that this cheesiness would have a purpose else, I'd look like a total fool later on. Hahaha. On second thought, I have been benefitting from some perks and compliments (and yeah, bitterness) from many people. I think that would be a good consolation but please, let me leave! Hahaha.

On love:
*cricket sounds* Next topic please. Hahaha.

On life:
As Mary Katherine Gallagher would say, I think my emotions would be best represented by a quote from the short film The Follow, from the BMW series The Hire:

There's always something waiting at the end of the road. If you're not willing to see what it is, you shouldn't be out there in the first place.

There's always something waiting at the end of the road. If you're not willing to see what it is, you shouldn't be out there in the first place.

There's always something waiting at the end of the road. If you're not willing to see what it is, you shouldn't be out there in the first place.

FINAL ANSWER?

Paunawa: Ang sulatin na ito ay binubuo ng mga salita at konseptong ubod ng keso (bagamat makatotohanan at taimtim). Kung di mo ninanais na makabasa ng ganitong klaseng panunulat, wag ka nang magabala at mamili ka na lang dyan sa bandang kanan ng monitor mo ng ibang mga sulating maaari mong basahin.

Nakapagpasya na ako. Nasabihan ko na ang mga taong dapat sabihan. Sa Lunes, sisimulan ko nang gawin ang mga hakbang upang tuluyan nang maging opisyal ang aking pag-alis at paglipat. Desidido na talaga ako. Wala na sigurong makapipigil pa sa akin.

Pero alam mo, kahit alam kong isang malaking kalokohan ang pagpasok ko sa pinasukan kong ito, wala akong kahit anong pagsisising nararamdaman. Nangyari na ang mga nangyari; di na mapapalitan ang mga iyon. At dahil na rin sa mga pangyayaring iyon, nabuo ang pagkatao ko kung anuman ito ngayon. Kahit may mga pagkakataong gusto ko na talagang sumabog dahil sa mga kabwisitang nararanasan ko sa mga asignaturang ewan ko ba kung bakit ko kinukuha, masasabi kong naging masaya na rin ako sa mga karanasang iyon. Sa mga pagkakaibigang nabuo, mga kwentong naibahagi, mga buhay na nakasalimuha - maraming salamat. Malugod kong ikinararangal ang lahat ng mga iyon. Salamat tiwalang ipinagkaloob niyo sa akin. Alam kong napakaaga pa para sabihin ko ang mga ito pero pakiramdam ko kailangan ko nang sabihin habang natural pa yung pakiramdam. Alam niyo naman ako, kung paano ko minsan maging di sensitibo sa mga pangyayari. Kaya muli, salamat kaibigan.

Nakatutuwa rin ang mga magandang feedback mula sa ilang mga kaibigang nasabihan ko na nito lalo na yung sobrang lakas ng assurance na tama itong ginagawa ko, na hindi lang dahil gusto ko datapwat ito talaga yung nakatakda kong gawin. Ang sarap mapakinggan ng mga ganun. Yun lang talaga ang kailangan ko sa ngayon.

Sa ngayon, kaba talaga ang pangunahing nararamdaman ko, maliban sa excitement. Ewan ko ba. Para tong isang eksena sa pelikula, yung magigising yung bida sa gitna ng gabi na tila may tumatawag sa kanya; di niya alam kung ano iyon, ano ang mangyayari sa kanya pero sobrang lakas ng pakiramdam niya na may halong tuwa at kagalakan kung kaya sinusundan niya ito kahit di siya gaano kasigurado basta alam niya na gusto niya. Medyo malabo. Isipin mo na lang yung eksena sa Lord of the Rings: Two Towers... Nasa Fangorn Forest si Aragorn, Gimli at Legolas tapos may naramdaman silang kakaibang nilalang na yun pala, si Gandalf! Parang ganun. Kakaiba talaga yung pakiramdam excitement na may halong kaba. May isa pa kong halimbawa pero wag na lang, wholesome ako ngayon.

Hindi pa siguro ito ang huling pagpapasya ko tungkol sa bagay na to pero sa ngayon, 99% na ng buong pagkatao ko kasama na dyan ang utak at puso na nagsasabing panahon na upang buksan ang isang panibago yugto ng aking buhay (na tiyak na mas magiging masaya at makapagbibigay sa akin ng fulfillment na hinahanap ko)

THAT'S THE WAY IT GOES

Solitude is something that I am learning to fully master nowadays. I don't know. I just feel so much better when I'm alone... thinking - the what could have beens and the might have beens; the is and the are; what will be... will be? Gibberish in tranquility.

I'm supposed to be talking about something right now but I won't be doing so. I think it's far too hurtful. As much as I'm a very evil person, I still have a heart (stoned but still a heart nonetheless).

Psychologically speaking, this must be the effects of being the only child. But on the other hand, shouldn't I feel a greater sense of belonging and/or longing to be with the company of other people? Well, I don't know and I could care less.

Speaking of Psychology, according to a random test we had today, I am belong to the worst cases of the feeling of depression, for this week that is. Interesting. Well, as a matter of fact, I am really happy right now. Really. I mean, despite the great bullshit realization I've had; I wouldn't have done otherwise had I been given the chance to. Because... Well... Let's not get into that. It's just the way it is.

Anyway, I've lost the sense in writing once more. This sucks. I'll just update this later. I guess.

LARAWAN

Two of my childhood dreams were to become either as a painter or a photographer. Filmmaking never really got into the picture until my late years in highschool. Until then, I loved painting portraits of people in the magazine or recreating illustrations from my Magic cards. I also enjoyed taking snapshots of my relatives whenever they are eating and sleeping; I believe those pictures still exist up to this very day. As far as taking videos is concerned, well I think I just enjoyed taping my chubby cousin's legs whenever she arrives from the States.

Lately, through the inspiration of some artistic friends, I have come to revisit my appreciation and passion for painting and photography (when I say photography, it's more than the usual Kramwhoring, if you know what I mean) As much as I laugh at people who love to take those artsy fartsy photos, which then I still considered stupid and pathetic, I have come to realize that this was the thing that I used to love doing... This is where I began.

So last night, I gathered all my recent great photos (all of which I took except for pictures featuring myself, of course) and uploaded them in an artistic site (so to speak [and if you're asking why I didn't use Flickr, well, I hate the fact that it has limits, that's all.) After that, I just enjoyed looking at other people's photographs and original art whether they are nude (artistically shot of course [you perv]), romantic, emotive or just simply spontaneous. I also love the fact that within my first 2 hours, people have started making comments and adding my photos in their favorite lists. If it's immediate gratification that I'm looking, this may very well be the answer.

This isn't actually one of my favorites but the sun here just seems so wonderful.

MUNDANE

I had just accidentally used my hair wax stick, mistakenly thinking it was deodorant. :|

It's amazing how Psychology applies to daily life. We were just talking about how the unconscious states our doing the other day in class and here I am now with this scenario - few seconds before the event happened, I was thinking about how my hair wax stick is almost empty and that I need to buy one when I get out; indeed I need to buy a new one now.

PSYCHO

I don't think I know how to write anymore. I need a shrink. The Charlie Kaufman means of getting inspiration doesn't work for me.

ULTIMATUM

This time I'm speaking straight and simple. Petty perhaps but true nonetheless. Pardon the incoherence, the blur.

After that first (and long) LS 10 class, I finally realized that I was really a stranger amongst the crowd of SOM students. I had no idea what I was doing there. I had no idea what they were talking about. I think I had it. I'm through with SOM and ComTech, for that matter. I have no idea where my next destination is, all I know for now is that I do not want to stay in SOM if things of those caliber (which I am certain that they are) are the ones which I will be facing in the next year or so. I think I'd rather leave now (or as soon as possible) with my own judgment and will instead of having them remove me for not being able to cope with their requirements (in a worst case scenario). It's not that I think I would fail or I am incapable of understanding the things that are to be taught. What matters here is the dedication, the liking, the motivation and all those shit which I don't think I can brag about when it comes to those Management subjects. And it's not like I have to take it; nobody would actually care if I pursue Management or not. The only reasons why I am still here is that I am still doing fine, it's where I began and I've already established relationships.

As much as possible, in everything I do, I would like to excel, or just simply shine in a way and I don't think I'm no way near that status, the way I'm situated right now but since I'm here already, I will give the damned field this semester to prove its worth and capture my interest. No, grades won't actually have a bearing here; the catch is that if I remain having this attitude towards it by the end of the year, then I'm gone for sure. Bye bye SOM, bye bye ComTech, bye bye R1.

SPIDER MAN

I had just woken up from a short sleep with the feeling of wanting to go to the bathroom. So I did. I opened the light and positioned myself near the throne. Suddenly, something caught my attention (as in really caught my attention). It was a huge brown spider, the size of a hand. I had no idea why it was there, seemingly motionless as it was positioned on the floor. Still intoxicated from sleep, I went to my mom's room and asked her what Spider Man is doing in our bathroom. She was surprised and immediately went to the bathroom. Seconds later, I think I heard a loud whack (, the insect Nazi my mother is) then poof! it (Spider Man) became Koko Crunch.

THIRD

This is one of those days when Mark Peregrino is in the mood to write a story that could be dubbed as the saddest and/or the most depressing tale of the year a la Million Dollar Baby. It's just one of those days when the self-proclaimed wonder boy wants to write a tragedy as in the likes of Gone with the Wind and Casablanca. I don't know exactly why he would want to do that. Perhaps it's just his lame excuse to deal with his emotions, whatever they may be via the usual writer's/artist's escapism. I don't want to judge him because he's my friend. Perhaps the best we could do is to hope that he would bear something fruitful in the solitary confinement he is undertaking right now. Inasmuch as he bars the rest of the society, let's just pray that the grump wouldn't end up insane as you are being witness to the first stage of this emo-lution.

(Hahaha)

This is inspired by an idea presented in the film Adaptation. (Yes, that film where screenwriter Charlie Kaufman wrote a screenplay about himself and his fictional twin as 'they' were adapting the non-fiction book The Orchid Thief. Strangely, he and his fictional brother were nominated in that year's Academy Awards for Best Adapted Screenplay; I guess it was the first time a fictitious character was ever nominated for the award or any category for that matter. And that I'd love to experience sometime in the near future.)

ON WRITING

Here's one vague thought that's been bothering me this morning: Some people say the stories and scripts people write are somehow a projection of their experiences. Perhaps even the slightest bit, all the classic and modern stories we have known and loved are indeed stories of their own writers in their real life. What is amazing is that even the simplest of stories to tell turn to be one of the greatest stories of all time. But here is my dilemma - since everyone of us, have similar experiences (True we each have our own unique interpretations on things we experience but almost all that is there to be experienced has been experienced by another person right?) could that be the reason why there is no such a thing as a unique story nowadays - all that there is to tell is just a pastiche of everything that has been told in the past? Could there ever be another unique story that would wrench our hearts and minds? Has everything that needs to be told, already been told by another person in the past or in some other lifetime? The truth of the matter is I don't know, I really don't know. This could either be some writers' lame excuse for not being able to come up with original concepts that would shake the foundations of the Earth or perhaps this generation has really lost all of its creative juice with everything media has installed in our unconscious minds. Perhaps it's too late to suggest that a block out of all media forms that might affect the way we think and perceive things because even if you, in your most modest way of thinking, believe you have created the most original work you could ever have, your world would just sink when someone just shoves your work into your face telling you it's no good because it's already been done. The same goes with the (narrative) voice. Is there anyone on the world that could tell that he speaks in the most unique way, without any influence or imitation from any great literary icon? It's a depressing story to tell, if indeed this is true. It might be mundane to think that the only thing we will watch and hear would be ripoffs of the classics that have already entered public domain (There's even one right now, about the story of King Kong told in the eyes of King Kong.) or many more of movie sequels (Perhaps in the near future, we might be lucky to witness Shake, Rattle and Roll 50) Unless there would be another plaguing disease such as a new AIDS, another World War or the second coming of Christ - all that we will have for now are the stories of a person told by another person which in the future would be told by other persons and this ladies and gentlemen, is worse than your day-to-day gossip networking (Alas, expect this to be a new form of art in the future.) For now, perhaps our only option is to open our eyes, see what is wrong and correct it. I tell you, there would be no sense as to make a new revolutionary idea because there isn't such a thing, I don't know if there would be one in the very near future but as far as now is concerned - there isn't so don't count on it.

DREAMING

Once again I am at the road to nowhere. I don't know where I'm going. I don't know what I'll be doing. But on the other hand, I realized for once after a very long, long time I'm getting to know how it feels like to be happy again. I'm getting to know how it feels like living not just in my mazes of shadows and illusions.

you have no idea where i came from
we have no idea where we're going
lodged in life like branches in a river
flowing downstream
caught in the current
i'll carry you you carry me
that's how it could be
don't you know me
don't you know me by now
-Delusion Angel

The being-in-the-moment experience is the happiest a person can have. It's not much the having what you want that makes it, but more of the process of getting it. It's the joy you experience while you know you're getting to where you are going. Because after you accomplish it, all will be downhill from there with your so-called happiness fading to oblivion, not knowing if you'll ever feel it again. That's why if only I had the chance of freezing this moment, I would. I certainly would... because I definitely won't accept the fade... Not now, never.

All my time until I die,
We'll float in space just you and I
And I will love you till I die
And I will love you all the time
So please put your sweet hand in mine
We'll float in space just you and I
-Ladies and Gentlemen We Are Floating In Space

Because if your love was all I had in this life, that would be enough until the end of time...

...AND CUT! Good take!

ACCENTUATE

Call me a bonehead but right now, I'm digging hot chicks with accents. (Hahaha) From Ingrid Bergman to Jacqueline Bisset. Right now I'm having a toss up between Julie Delpy and Penelope Cruz. Julie Delpy was amazing in Before Sunrise and Before Sunrise; she was stunning in her brief performance in Broken Flowers; and she sings too! Penelope Cruz is just freaking hot even if she was called as penis in her younger years by her bratty schoolmates (Uh... Citation - it was either in Jay Leno's or Conan O'Brien's show); she was enthralling in Vanilla Sky and I cannot wait to see her critically-acclaimed performance in Volver. It's French versus Spanish. (And I took Italian, great!) Either way, it's gonna be a hot and bumpy ride... I wish! (Hahaha) And I must say, as far as the east is concerned, that lady from Lost in Translation was also hot... (Hahaha) "Lip my stockings! Mr. Bob Harris! OOOooooohhh!"

THE ANIMAL SONG

Funny how people cheer up others by showing them that they are more beastly. It's hilarious topping up something like having stabbed a classmate with a pencil. But come to think of it, it's you who really isn't the one in the bad light, who turns bad.

When superstars and cannonballs are running through your head

And television freak show cops and robbers everywhere
Subway makes me nervous, people pushing me too far
I've got to break away
So take my hand now

Cause I want to live like animals
Careless and free like animals
I want to live
I want to run through the jungle
With the wind in my hair and the sand at my feet

You get where I'm pointing at? Well, I'm still a depressant, you're probably not, you living the fun life you have whilst I... I remain pathetic as usual. Hahaha. So you most probably don't get it. Anyway, don't mind me. I'm still high on... Katol! Hahaha

Movie moment of the day:
[Joel calls Clem on the telephone]
Clementine: What took you so long?
Joel: I just walked in.
Clementine: Do you miss me?
Joel: Oddly enough, I do!
Clementine: You said "I do" - I guess that means we're married!
Joel: I guess so!

HELLO STRANGER

"That's the most stupid expression in the world. 'I fell in love' - as if you had no choice. There's a moment, there's always a moment; I can do this, I can give in to this or I can resist it. I don't know when your moment was but I bet there was one."
-Alice Ayres/Jane Jones, Closer

MIRAGE

A pigment of the imagination. A dream resulted from the longing, the lingering. Existence. Constitution. The vortex comes forth...

I can't do this.

An act of desperation? A hidden personality springing forth from an unexpected character. Ego. The bells are ringing. The fall from space, the pedestal. Crashing and burning.

Who are you? Who am I?

What is this?

An oasis. Water. Flowing. Quenching. Refreshing. The stream of life.

Nothing but a mirage.

Everybody's gotta learn sometimes.

In the company of family, friends and acquaintances... I have never felt more alone.

There is no stranger.

No one will ever understand.

A VERY LONG COMMENTARY (SUPPOSEDLY)

The ice age is over.

If you've been wondering why I haven't been writing for the past million decades, I have been locked up in a tower where fire-breathing drakes and dragons surround its haunting territory. Torturous, yes. But well, I'm not actually telling the truth here, well, obviously. Truth is, it's really the loss of technology that had messed me up. It's horrible I tell you. However, in spite of the conditions, I have managed to write down some notes on some sheets and I will share them to you now. These are just few collections of thoughts that accumulated in my barren mind, so here goes (and by the way, I'll make this really quick and informal, you have no idea how glad I am to be back on cyberspace and how hard it is to handle 200 messages, most of the messages are already in digests okay, so they are plenty indeed).

In terms of physicality, gluttony has indeed got the best out of me. I weigh a lot more than ideal weight however, I could care any less. I enjoy eating, nuts, most especially; cracker nuts, more specifically. It's enjoyable, while watching that lame old romance flick, the characters in the film exalt as they feel the most enjoyable feeling that is love whilst I enjoy the feeling of full-fillment. However, an incident which I just found out lately, makes me think otherwise. When I was younger, I never thought that I snore when I sleep. Most of my relatives do; and all of them have symptoms of heart ailments, which I doubt I have. Several nights ago, waking up after one of my daily sleeps, my mom came to call my attention of how loud I snore. It was then when I had the great fear of death by heart attack. I don't actually prefer that kind of death, (do we ever prefer a method?) because it's uncertain and could even mean a longer spell of suffering - veggie style. If ever I want to die, and as I have mentioned to some of my friends, I would want to have a death by gunshot. Fast and perhaps certain (depending on which part that was hit) fills my contentment. And so one night, when I was taking a ride on a public utility vehicle, when I saw that man holding a plastic bag that contained a gun (the man, by the way was sitting just right in front of me) I feared I had finally come to face the method of death I had asked for. But hey, I'm still alive, so there's no sense dwelling on this anymore. Next topic please.

Aside from munching and gulping, another thing that had kept me preoccupied (as expected of my character) was the art of couch potatoeing. From the dusty streets of Sunset Blvd. to the colors of Gone With The Wind, the trails of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, where I realized that I am Joel, the wandering magic of the Wonder Boys, and the beauty that is La Vita E Bella - had it not been for films like these, my brain might have been a meshed pulp right now. It was nice to go back to the films which I have loved, right when I was just beginning with this passion. Through this, I had also learned not to trust my initial judgments. Roberto Benigni was superb, as Bill Murray is in Broken Flowers. Broken Flowers of Focus Features of course. Why, if I'd somehow, some way through the love of the Lord, make it to the holy land that is Hollywood, I would love to make pictures courtesy of Focus Features. I feel that the films they create represent my vision, or vice versa. Or if not, I would at least love one of my writings turn into a film by them. That would just be as nice. Speaking of writing, I had observed that most of my writings, aside from their tragic themes, have the tendency to turn into thrillers, I don't know where that came from, what influence had brought that about, but it's pretty much dominant - try reading Gobi if you have yet to read it; even id. has a tinge of thrill to it (aside from the famoso cybersex scene of course you Bozo) And yes, lately, I have began to appreciate the spur of the moment writing like one night when I was on a cab (thank heavens I brought a pen) I had a 'brilliant' breakthrough (it was a thriller yes) and with the pumping excitement I had to write on a paper bag. Perhaps with this I'm learning to forget my fascination of having a typist on my brain print my thoughts (coming out from my tongue?) whenever I want. And speaking of genres, I just had to say that I think war films are pathetic (more on this on a future feature) and the genderlect movement is evil and conceited as always.

Yes, you can react in whatever way you want to react with that statement. Having said that, I must say that free will is amazing. It's a great and often effective excuse for the stupid things men do. I have an example but with the use of my free will, I choose not to say it also because I'm still somewhat frantic, excited and perky. I do want to make the most out of the raw, abstract concept of free will before the teaching of theology formalize and box it, thank you. Speaking of theology, I am quite disheartened by recitation of prayers, as much as they are powerful, sometimes they tend to be meaningless (as if they were like your favorite songs, and when you hear them you follow) and panny (funny and pathetic at the same time like when people tend to recite out loud and fast at the same time; it's almost like you just want to get over it) And yes, if you have noticed, I am still somewhat bumped and shaken by the events as you can trace the hints of insanity through my words and the manner which I speak right now. Losing something you were very much accustomed to, really hurts. However, in the good side of things, I have kept my insanity, thanks to the wonders of television namely the bitch models and their cat fights, gay men and struggling women who create clothes from leaves and twigs, and of course the colored animalistic woman who jackhammers her Australia. Yes, these things have indeed helped me maintain my sanity (if indeed I have one) I also find it funny how TV hosts try to vacuum their antics with the MTRCB officials.

In the end, I would like to say that words are meaningless, you can say something but it's meaning is far away or even has no meaning at all (yes, like when I say I want to hold someone's hands so badly or I believe that all of us should have our own flirt buddies [flirt not fuck okay] it doesn't mean anything at all; I just enjoy saying it and seeing your reaction; screw semiotics [nah, thanks for the A by the way]). It's like watercolors. Well, actually no... or I don't know. I just wanted to say it because I have been enjoying working with it lately. I made a portrait of a woman, but it was too imperfect according to my vision therefore I had it transform into a painting of a battered woman being sucked by a vortex, comfortably numb. I stare onto her eyes and I see a powerful expression (no this isn't self exaltation), it's the opposite - something made out of nothing actually. So what's my point, nothing actually, everything I had written here is gibberish... meaningless, as mentioned. Well, of course not. All I can say is that I'm glad to be back.No more concentration camp, no more wars. Peace, love and Nagaraya!

Oh and yes, if not for her, that wondrous moment I would have gone straight to the nut house but I guess one flew over the cuckoo's nest!

'How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot!
The world forgetting, by the world forgot
Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!
Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd'
-Alexander Pope