CHARADES

“Kuya…” - For how long I will play this game with you, I do not know. So long as we’re on talking terms, on the same page, on the right track. If that’s your utmost perspective towards me then I shall accept it.

Call me as long as you’re willing to be called back. For patience will make me endure this challenge of charades, despite the boundary that hinders still between us; in this way I can express my deep most feelings with no malice, no discomfort. I just hope you know how to read between the lines.

You noticed the changes – that I am no longer hiding my emotions, unafraid to tell you whatever that lingers within me. You questioned that. But why – what’s there to hide after all now we’re together?

Why must you deny your own feelings toward me? You’ve always tried to conceal them so as not to be noticed. But that’s where you’re wrong for I can feel it, I know it, I breathe it.

You told me you love me. But what is love anyway – what is your meaning of this so-called love? If actions speak louder than words then with all means, show me what it means.

I find it funny when you tell me to take care of myself. You told me that many people will weep if the day I die comes – will you be one of them; how much of a loss will I be to you? What is it to you if I shall be banished forevermore?

But no, I refuse to die; you know how much I love the beauty of satires and tragedies but I won’t let this story turn out to be one. Not until the day we both discover the true meaning of the words love and happiness. But for now I shall continue with our life’s dance until the time comes that this melancholy would reach its epiphany just like in the movies; as Damien Rice would say, “I can’t take my mind off of you… Can’t take my mind off of you… Can’t take my mind off of you… Can’t take my mind off of you… Can’t take my mind… My mind. My mind. My mind. ‘Til I find somebody new…”

TIME AND TIDE

Whoever stated he or she is afraid of Virginia Woolf, my sympathy goes to you. For I too, face the brink of madness.

I awoke this morning with the thought of anticipation – anxiety, excitement and ecstasy. My procrastination was cut short when I had noticed that my clock was dead. Going out of my room, I wanted to know what time it was but failed once more in doing so, seeing the living room clock had also died. For a moment, I had a fantasy that time had really stopped; but it was interrupted by news of departing within the roots – news that I was not expecting anytime soon. Having been irritated by the mentality of being in an erratic portal, I wanted to get out of home. So I went out ready to go to the university with a craving for post-modernity when I saw a ‘kalesa’ moving about in front of me. Staring at the horse, I was attracted to the hypnotizing sound its feet produced; that’s when I saw a dead cat crushed and rotten – a misshapen figure with a distorted head, oozing internals and the stench of death.

Earlier that day, while I was afloat gazing the wonders of surrealism, I dreamt of her once more. It has been a long time since I had last dreamt of her. The intensity was that of a normal gathering; nothing sensuous or romantic compared to those which I had few years long gone ago. Of course, I did not give that much attention and meaning to the dream; for it might have just been an indication of longing, of missing, of the effects of parting. But vindication materialized as I had arrived real-time in campus – I saw this girl who had the same name as hers, and puzzling enough, perhaps the same radiation as hers; she had a beguiling effect which up to now remains inexplicable. Still now I wonder.

The day concluded as it was embraced by the fog of displease. It was not because of political turnabouts related to my well-being; it was the sense of discontent of an unfavorable decision of a body that gave benefits to themselves alone. For a long time now, I have been triggered to establish animosity against the theory and reason of seniority. Years ago when I was a junior, where I was a member of the school paper crew, the adviser explained that seniority has to rule above all; in saying so she expressed that an editor-in-chief has to have seniority. (Why would she say that, you might ask? Well, she said that someone different was supposed to be the editor-in-chief that year, but due to issues of seniority that someone different was appointed to the second highest position. That someone different is none other than your narrator.) But what does seniority have to do with it at all? Older age doesn’t necessarily entail better skills, knowledge and similar characteristics of a person. Although I respect the saying “with old age comes wisdom”, it is direct prejudice to be denied a deserved position based on age. (And oh by the way, my chance never came the next year. The school paper was scratched off from the available organizations. What a dump!)

Virginia, if you could read this, please be of guidance. Insanity is one thing I would not want to experience; but as of now I am on the brink of falling into a trance which I am bound never to escape. At times, I get certain visions of brutality, of violence, of death. My brain travels to boundless depths of surrealism as my soul sinks into depths unknown. I want to stretch time and go to vast distances where I reckon I might not reach before the tides fall and sucks me into the sinkholes of lunacy. I do not want to end up being recognized as a coot; I do not want to end up like Richard who was given an award just because he had AIDS; I do not want to end up like you who had lost all sanity even though your thoughts of the endless voids you had entered defined a culture. Please don’t swallow me.

“Who’s afraid of Virginia Woolf… Virginia Woolf… Virginia Woolf…?”

I am, Edward. I am.

TERMS OF ENDEARMENT

Sa Tagalog…

Pantasyang ubod tamis
Abot gabi iyong
Ninanasang alindog

Itong palagiang presyon
Pabalik-balik antig at
Parating udyok posas

Galos agad gumagaling
Oras ganitong alaala
Ganid aliw

…Mahal kita

In English…

My only true heaven ever
Revered for us calling
Kin each rain

Passing us usually
Then forever
Pleases fervor

By all so truly aroused
Risen dearly by intense
Tumultuous covering heart

… I love you

ELEVATOR

What are the two common things you hear when you’re inside an elevator?

Going Down - To the basement please.

Fluctuation is the word that best describes my studies as of now; or is it more appropriate in my grades? Since the week began, I’ve been getting disappointing grades from almost all my subjects. Just this day, I had a long test in Mathematics which I strongly believe I would barely pass. I did almost everything for this subject– study, study and study, but still I am unsure how everything will unfold. I do not know if it is jinx or something else, but I haven’t gotten anything good yet this week. It’s kind of ironic that in this week where I’ve been going home early, doing my assignments on time (and not cramming), and sleeping the right hours is the period where I’m having a downfall. Oh well… I am 100% happy to go back to the old ways. I just hope that I shall resurface back in the mainstream surface as soon as possible. No more going down.

Going Up - To the 13th floor please. Oh… You don’t have a 13th floor?

Assurance is the only thing that keeps me breathing nowadays. There are the assurances of friendship, of career, of passing (hopefully), and of love (more hopefully) My week started with ascendance as my professor in English commended me for having straight A’s in our previous activities (Quick Speak, more specifically) . Despite the rumbling and tumbling, the week isn’t really that bad. Just minutes ago, I joined a competition in lieu of SOM Week. At first, I was hesitant (you can’t blame me, I was surrounded by older, more sophisticated people) but once I got the hang of it, I could say, that I had an enjoyable time. Although I disagreed (a bit) with my group, the experience gave me the assurance that I still have “it”. As of now, I could not say how many more loops I shall encounter in this rollercoaster ride. I just hope that I won’t end up vomiting and nauseous in the end. Up, up and away!

FASCINATION

Unang Eksena

Dramatikong Pagtatagpo: Sa loob ng klasrum. Kakatapos lamang ng klase. Ang guro ay nagaayos ng gamit habang ang estudyante ay napadaan.

Kram: Noong isang taon ko pa lang po napanood yun.

Professor Familiar: Ang tagal na noong huli kong napanood yan. Mga 20 years ago na ata.

Kram: Gusto niyo pong hiramin?

(Sabay alok ng kanang kamay na siyang may hawak ng dibidi. Ngunit tatanggihan ito ng propesor)

Professor Familiar: Gusto kong hiramin pero di ngayon. Sino bang may-ari nyan?

Kram: Ako po.

Professor Familiar: Kapag maluwag na ako, hihiramin ko sa iyo yan.

(Tatango ang estudyante habang papalakad patungo sa pinto ang propesor. Bigla itong mapapalingon sa estudyante.)

Professor Familiar: Bat meron ka nyan?

Kram: Wala lang po. Mahilig po ako sa mga ganito.

(Binubuksan ng propesor ang pinto)

Professor Familiar: Ah… Mahilig ka sa pelikula.

(Sabay talikod at alis ng propesor)

Ikalawang Eksena

Dramatikong Pagtatagpo: Sa loob ng isang tindahan sa mall. Nagbabayad ang binata sa kahera. Mapapansin ang mag-asawang naroon din sa tabi. Nilapag ang dibidi.

Mr. Stranger: Wow… A Clockwork Orange. That’s one of (pangalan)’s 100 greatest films of all time. Napanood mo na yan?

(Nakatingin ang mister sa misis nito)

Mrs. Stranger: Ayoko ng mga ganyan.

Mr. Stranger: Stanley Kubrick film yan!

Mrs. Stranger: Ayoko ng mga ganyan. Masyadong weird.

(Napatingin ang binata sa mister at nakangiti. Titingin din ang mister)

Mr. Stranger: Pasensya ka na sa asawa ko ha.

Kram: Okay lang po.

(Magtatawanan ng kaunti)

Mr. Stranger: Hahaha!

(Nakangiti ang binata habang kinuha ang sukli sabay alis)

ANTS

What is it with ants? They have many interpretations; they symbolize many universal truths. Many times they have been used in metaphors and ironies. They’re lucky to have so much attention.

Tamis

Nilalanggam na naman ako.
Sabi nila sweet pag may langgam.
Sweet nga ba ako?
Ano sa tingin mo?

Nasan ka nga ba?
Sayang naman ang tamis,
Kung walang makakatikim.
Buti pa ang langgam.

Kating-kati na ko.
Kapag kinamot ko naman,
Tiyak na magkakasugat.
Sawa na kong masugatan.

Patuloy ang daloy ng tamis.
Dadating ka pa ba?
Wag mo sanang hayaang
Mauubos ang tamis.

Kapag naubos ang tamis,
Magiging tuyo;
Magiging tigang.
Ayokong maging tigang.

Ants may be black or red. Just like the heart. Now let me ask you, have you ever been bitten by an ant?

THE FORMULA FOR A NUCLEAR BOMB

What’s the formula for a nuclear bomb?

Poetry. Write as intensity rises. A pen is mightier than a sword. Poetry.

Poetry has never been my first love. I don’t think it was even my love at all! But now in my brink of madness, I had come to appreciate deciphering and unlocking the hidden glyphs behind these works of literary art; especially writing my own! Besides, poetry is part of my college curriculum. And so, as I was reading through different poems of Philippine Modern Literature, there was this one special poem, JimPascualAgustin’s LitelMisPilipings, that caught my attention. For quite some time now, I had an argument, similar to Agustin’s, in my head which I could not project; I know people would be bothered and some even enraged. Poetry is a literary gem where one can have different interpretations. Let me know yours in my minute gem.

Big Blunder

Ako ang palabas.
Ako ang telebisyon.
Ako ang Pilipino.
Ako ang tao.
Ako ang mundo.

Galing akong Amerika.
Ngunit di mo alam yun.
Akala mo Pilipino talaga ako?
Ang galing ko talaga.
Nadaan sa pangalan.

Kanta pa lang,
Akala mo Pinoy talaga.
Di ba astig ang kanta?
Ang galing ko talaga.
Nadaan sa banda.

Sila’y mga Pinoy.
Hitsura pa lang.
Di ba Pinoy na Pinoy?
Ang galing ko talaga.
Nadaan sa ganda.

Nood ka lang.
Pagmalaki mo ang Pinoy.
Di ba astig maging Pinoy?
Ang galing ko talaga.
Nadaan sa bola.

Ako ang palabas.
Ako ang telebisyon.
Ako ang Kano.
Ako ang tao.
Ako ang mundo.

Broke the code? Of course, it’s a no brainer! Let me be clear that I do not wish to offend anyone with this. As of now, we are still in a democratic country… Still. I’ll respect your opinion but please return the favor to me.

Democracy. Cherish it while you still have it. A crowd eliminates a coward. Democracy.

Now do you know the formula for a nuclear bomb?

DALDAKINO ANECDOTES

Early this morning, as soon as our quick speak wrapped up, my classmates asked our teacher for our scores. She said, she won’t give all; but she did say that she gave a D, two C+’s, a couple B’s, lots of B+’s and only two A’s. At that moment, I doubted my chances of getting an A. My reality television speech had a unique and slick style but I knew other people’s speeches had better content. Our teacher, who was a natural born thriller, asked the class who they think got an A. The class chanted various names; I even heard mine but I just dismissed the thought. My forehead wrinkled as I raised my eyebrow when our professor said that I got an A.

Speaking in front of a crowd is an activity I never envisioned myself to love. Based on experience, I have had a handful of embarrassing moments because of a speech. One was in preschool during UN Week wherein we were each tasked to make a speech on the country we represent. During this time, I was like a robot that uttered memorized phrases, add to that the shaking and stuttering. Another one, which I consider my worst experience in public speaking, was in grade 4 when I ran for general secretary for the student council. As I stood before the audience during the candidates’ forum, I recited the speech which I had used during the whole campaign period. Being new to this, a sense of dismay occurred to me as I felt that my whole speech was senseless. Thus, I stopped speaking and remained idle in stage. A minute or so later, I exited.

People who knew me way back then are witnesses to the drastic changes taking place over the years. I had my turnover during freshman year in high school as I was asked to speak before the then grade 6 pupils. I didn’t know what came into their minds why they had chosen me, yet I didn’t back out. At first, I prepared a written speech but as I saw the crowd, I became hesitant to read it. Instead, I spoke to them impromptu. It never occurred to me then that that was my first extemporaneous speech. Luckily, they loved it. I became a regular speaker in the said forum until I was a senior. From that moment on, I dismissed making a written speech.

As of now, what I consider as the highlight of my speaking career was last year’s extemporaneous speaking contest in high school. As soon as our teacher announced the contestants for the various contests during English Week, I was shocked to know that she picked me for the extemporaneous speech category. At first I didn’t want to join for I wanted to be in the short story writing contest. Besides, I also wanted to defend my title as Word Wizard during the previous year. Moreover, add the burden of being removed from the general information contest for the upcoming UN week celebration as our teacher in Economics’ excuse was that I was already part of the extemporaneous speaking contest. Fury was the only thing I felt at that time. I did not accept the fact that I dropped contests where I had higher stakes of winning for something I do not enjoy – speaking in front of the crowd. I could not explain what happened next. I could not determine whether it was a stroke of genius and/or luck but I won the damn contest. The flames were more fanned when the principal said it was a unanimous decision from the judges who seemed like veterans in public speaking. But what I loved best was a remark from a colleague when he said that winning the contest proved my worth as president. Cheap, the medal may seem, but for me, it’s one of the priceless things I have. What an irony.

Up to this very moment, I could not figure out how this skill had emerged from then poor to now thought-provoking, as people would say. Maybe it’s the pleasure of seeing people clapping to your ideas, people giving standing ovations to your performance or just simply seeing people listening to what you’re saying. All I can say is people don’t call me daldakino for nothing.

PS: And oh by the way, I won the grade 4 elections.

WORLD WITHOUT STRANGERS

Months after not watching an episode of Sex and the City, I finally decided to relive the eccentric life of goddess Sarah Jessica Parker in her final adieu as Carrie Bradshaw. As I watched the scene where Carrie misses her Parisian fan party to support “the guy she’s in a very good relationship with”, I remembered a line my professor said about the difference between plays and movies – the latter shall stay forever as it was recorded while the former will offer a unique spectacle is it is live. Thus, I stood there watching as the guy who thought Carrie would abandon the guy she’s in a very good relationship with.

For a moment, I thought that that was my only highlight for today. I had my ordinary Sunday routine – sleeping the whole afternoon, going to mass late afternoon, and eating dinner in a mall early evening. I fret that the day would be over as I had finished eating and I was ready to go home. But as I walked through the alleys of the mall, one shirt bearing bloody letters caught my attention which said – World without strangers. It was the perfect Closer cliché shirt. With my Carrie instinct fresh from watching An American Girl in Paris Part Une and Deux, I went inside the shop and bought me a pair of those shirts that bore my supposed-to-be phrase for the day.

World without strangers – they’re such simple words but carry lots of implications in my pathetic life. For most people, it means that there are no bounds between culture and diversity. For me, it means being single for the rest of eternity. Are they symbolic of a prophecy intended for me? I remember watching the final episode that morning feeling like Austin Powers without his mojo; the glitters erased, the magic blown away. It didn’t occur to me until now that being busy throughout all these times had my thoughts driven away from what kept my mind busy in the past. Seeing the bold letters in those shirts had my mind turn into a lightning rod that was hit by lightning bolts of realizations. Moreover, it was hit by a landslide of questions,

Strangers – where are they? Why am I looking for them? People always find it strange when they find out my fascination with strangers. Now, it makes me think about an argument from Before Sunrise about whether or not each one of us really has someone meant for us somewhere, somehow. With all these disputes about myself, as I fit my black shirt, it makes me wonder… “Am I the sole soul without his sole soul mate?”

Realizations make me consider lots of railways in my so-called Stranger Streets. Like I always say, I am never sure of what awaits me in the future either career-wise or love-wise as most say you could rarely have them both in good condition. But my life is like a play; therefore, I can change anything I desire. And so as I sit her in my couch, with all the raves in my career, like single Carrie, the only beacon phrase I should count on is, “You got the love.”

PERP

Direk: Camera rolling… 3, 2, 1… Action!

(Dramatikong pagtatagpo… Hubo’t hubad ang pangunahing aktres habang nakaligwak sa putikan.)

Aktres: Ayoko na… Sawang sawa na ako…

Direk: Cut! Ano ba naman yan. Bat walang kaluha-luha? Gusto ko mas matindi pa dyan! Ulit!

Today was a day like no other. It was ordinary in a way that I was busy yet again. It was not like no other because it had certain unexpected impacts –

(Inside the principal’s office)

Principal: Mark, it’s like this. We had an incident this morning; there was a widespread theft while we were having mass. Thus, we have to check all the students’ bags individually because everyone’s a suspect. I guess even you are obliged to be checked. Did the guard check your things when you entered?

Assistant: I guess he could do it for 30 minutes. Dismissal time is still 30 minutes away.

Principal: I guess so. Ms. Secretary, could you assist Mark in the 4th floor faculty room? Thank you dear.

Direk: Camera rolling… 3, 2, 1, Action!

(Dramatikong pagtatagpo: Hubo’t hubad ang pangunahing aktres habang nakaligwak sa putikan. Luhaan at namumula ang mga mata nito.)

Aktres: Ayoko na… Sawang sawa na ako… Bat ba napakamanhid mo? Di lang ikaw ang… Ang…

Direk: Cut! Kinabisado mo ba ang script mo o naglalandi ka na naman ng mga linya?! Basahin mo nga muna! Ulit!

Upon hearing the news, the first thing that came to my mind was my former responsibility and next was the person who was the successor of that responsibility. I shall never forget the first case I attended – the one that troubled me for days; the one that needed a critical decision; the one that made my reputation.

(Inside the faculty room)

Teacher 1: Hi dear! Your mom’s having her class. She’ll be here in a few minutes. Just sit down there and make yourself comfortable. Do you want a drink?

Teacher 2: So how are you dear? How’s college?

(After the presentation. Chaos.)

Teacher 3: Terrific!

Teacher 4: This would never have happened back in your time.

Direk: Camera rolling… 3, 2, 1… Action!

(Dramatikong pagtatagpo: Hubo’t hubad ang pangunahing aktres habang nakaligwak sa putikan. Punit-punit ang mga damit. Luhaan at namumula ang mga mata nito.)

Aktres: Ayoko na… Sawang sawa na ako… Bat ba napakamanhid mo? Di lang ikaw ang tao sa mundong ito. Lahat na lang ng akin ay inagaw mo. Di ka na natuto!

Direk: Cut! Ano ba yan! Sinabi ko bang lagyan mo ng diin yang dulo? Ano ka ba! Ulit!

Everywhere people were stressed by what was happening. I remained stranded in the building while waiting for the aftershock to subside. There I had observed the movements of everyone concerned. I wanted to help but becoming a witness was all that was left to do.

(Outside the faculty room. Chaos still)

Student 1: Kuya, di ba Augustine ka rin dati? Sabi sa ‘kin ni Miss landslide mo raw yung kalaban mo dati sa Student Government… Astig! Sige po!

(Outside my former classroom. Chaos still)

Student 2: I’ve seen your site! You look different in the pictures! Really!

Student 3: I let my mom read your script. She liked it. She even bought the holy book! *Looks at student 2* You should read it!

Direk: Camera rolling… 3, 2, 1… Action!

(Dramatikong pagtatagpo: Hubo’t hubad ang pangunahing aktres. Habang naligwak sa putikan. Punit-punit ang mga damit. Luhaan at namumula ang mga mata nito. May hawak na kutsilyo.)

Aktres: Ayoko na… Sawang sawa na ako… Bat ba napakamanhid mo? Di lang ikaw ang tao sa mundong ito. Lahat na lang ng akin ay inagaw mo. Di ka na natuto!

Ano bang kailangan mo? Niyurakan mo na ang buo kong pagkatao. Ginahasa mo na ang kaluluwa ko!

Direk: Cut! San mo ba hinuhugot yang pag-arte mo? Bitin na bitin! Para kang puta na tinapon sa bar! Buti pa yung una kong napili sa role na to! Ulit!

As if the day had already unraveled. Above, I saw her presence. I didn’t know I would see her in spite of all that was happening. It was an awkward moment that turned into serenity. Tranquility reigned.

(In the lobby)

Girl: Hi ma’am!

Principal: What are you doing here? Is it because of…?

Assistant: Yes

Girl: Huh?

*The three looks down and stare at me. She goes down and approaches. More people stared at us.*

Direk: Camera rolling… 3, 2, 1… Action!

(Dramatikong pagtatagpo: Hubo’t hubad ang pangunahing aktres. Habang naligwak sa putikan. Punit-punit ang mga damit. Luhaan at namumula ang mga mata nito. May hawak na kutsilyo. Duguan. Balot na balot ng dugo.)

Aktres: Ayoko na… Sawang sawa na ako… Bat ba napakamanhid mo? Di lang ikaw ang tao sa mundong ito. Lahat na lang ng akin ay inagaw mo. Di ka na natuto!

Ano bang kailangan mo? Niyurakan mo na ang buo kong pagkatao. Ginahasa mo na ang kaluluwa ko! Wala ka nang tinira! Lagi na lang ikaw! Ikaw! Oo ikaw! Tama na…

Direk: …And cut! Good take!