FEVERED CONVULSIONS

Remember the stereotypical situation in films when a man is about to die, his life plays through his mind - flashbacks and memories. I'm sort of in that mood right now. I am very sick. Call it overreacting but it's healthy sometimes to think that you're about to die so that when the actual situation takes place (except for those which you can no longer control it like sudden deaths) you'll be ready.

As I went through the pictures, awards, and letters, I am reminded of the following: (in random order, I think... Haha)

First, that people who haven't mingled with me always get the wrong impression (that I am suplado and mayabang). True to all my first-time classmates in high school. Later on, they find out how crazy and outgoing I am. Silent water truly runs deep.

Second, that I am really not the marrying kind. This I may credit to my 'notes' with the 'women of the past'. I can also admit the fact that I am a prick. I really laughed hard when I went through the things I said before - typical male panunuyo and all. Very not me.

Third, that wisemen truly exist, even if they are perceived as deranged in some ways. I thank those who believed in me even if I was still in the underdog stage.

Fourth, that people still look at me the wrong way even after they met me, that I am misunderstood and misjudged (which remains fine with me) Let's just say there were things that were meant to happen.

Fifth, that I am proud to be a Ruizian. That I do not regret having stayed there for 10 years. That if I could go back in the past, I'd be happy to do everything all over again wholeheartedly. (Note by ego: Not all people get to be king. Haha. [Defense by self: Hey, this lasted as long as it could last. Even a blessing like this had its drawbacks, and for me, they were major and personal.])

Sixth, that despite the fact that people kept on saying walang magbabago and all those forever shiznits, things have really changed. Despite the fact that communication lines were cut, I'm just glad I've met these people and was happy with them for the time being.

Seventh, that she did love me. That she knew I love her. That she told me she doesn't deserve that love. (And here we go...) That I will meet someone who will deserve that. But what she doesn't know is that I will continue to do so, even if it remains uncredited, unreturned... That's unconditional.

Well if indeed I die today or if I don't wake up tomorrow, I guess I've had my flashback. Although I must say I still have lots of things to do and are planning to do like - say direct Meryl Streep in her last Oscar winning role.