SPARK

I have a concept. It has something to do with a man, his exile, a drug effect, a dream and a girl. Interested? Contact me. :)

Before the stupid storm that ruined my week took its toll, I was finally able to watch the film which I now consider my favorite of all time - Eyes Wide Shut. It's Kubrick's final film which many people (critics and filmgoers alike) had butchered, but for me, it was perfect. Yes, true, the first time I attempted to see it, I had to stop and go to sleep due to the intense boredom brought about by the first 15 minutes of it. However, when I tried to see it again, I realized how vital that effect was. And almost all Kubrick films are like that after all; you can't see it only once, because the more you see it, the more you discover about it, which in turn would make you realize how brilliant and beautiful it really is. The nostalgic effect was perfect - the haunting piano score, the chant, the plot, (the orgy?) Two days later I'm still swooning over the film's enchanting power. More on this soon. All this makes me want to watch it again.

CADAVEROUS BLOOM

I just had another one of those weird dreams and this time, I have no idea what it meant... At all.

I don't actually remember who I was along with (except for one familiar face) but I was friends inside the campus, specifically near the soccer field. I have no idea why we were there but we were going towards a particular place near the walkway. Finally, we stopped near the gutter and there I saw a deep fissure which seemed to be a divulged grave. It was deep and the layers of the soil were very evident. It is notable to say also that the casket was nowhere to be found.

The gravedigger was looking for something. I have no idea what that was and I don't remember how he looked like but I am pretty sure he got 5 rosaries from the grave; each time he got one, he showed it to us. The carcass had its head tilted to its right shoulder with its mouth open for reasons unknown; it also had its hands clasped on its chest level.

I have no idea what happened next although I remember a brief moment where the gravedigger is nowhere to be found and at that time I think I saw myself telling everyone to lie on the grass. And I think we did and we just stared onto an eclipse where the sky was red.

As of now, that is all I can remember.

NO DAY BUT TODAY

Here comes the messenger. The red spots all over are signs of his calling. This is a phase. It is procedural. One by one more signs will come. One by one. One by one. The rate at which this will manifest is still uncertain. However, the fact of their existence is indeed certain.

Here comes the messenger. After casting boils and sores upon my physical entity, he is now claiming my voice. Second by second, it is slowly vanishing. Second by second. Second by second. I fear only to rely on writing as a means of communication. However, my opinion has no longer any meaning as regards this.

Here comes the messenger. The blood drops. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip. Drip.

Glory.

FACT OR FICTION

Sana ako na lang gumawa ng 'The Follow' tapos yun yung pinasa ko. Sana ako na lang sumulat ng 'Before Sunrise' pati 'Before Sunset' maging ng 'Adaptation', 'Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind', pati 'Closer' na rin. Sana ako na lang ang nagdirehe ng 'Dr. Strangelove Or: How I Stopped Worrying and Love the Bomb' pati ng 'Casablanca', 'Day for Night' maging ang 'Blowup'. Ang daming mga bagay na masarap asamin sa buhay no? Mga bagay na ninanais mong ikaw na lang sana ang nakagawa dahil sa sobrang paghanga mo sa mga ito. Minsan talaga pakiramdam mo na para sa iyo talaga ito. Mapapasabi ka pa nga ng "This is a project I could've done!" o kaya naman "Kung gagawa ako, eto ang kalalabasan - ganitong ganito..." Pero hindi ikaw ang gumawa eh. May nauna na sa iyo. Siya ang may-ari nito. Hindi ikaw. Kailanman hindi magiging ikaw. Gumawa ka man ng remake, ang nauna pa rin ang mas kikilalanin. Hindi ang sa iyo. Ang lungkot no?

Ibahin natin ang mga pangungusap: Ako ang gumawa ng 'id.' at ito ang pinasa ko. Ako ang nagsulat nito; nabuo mula sa mga ulap ng kaisipan ng utak ko ang konsepto nito. Totoo rin ito para sa "Ang Multo sa Disyertong Gobi" at "Rendezvous". Ako rin ang nagdirehe ng 'id.' gaya ng sa "Litel Mis Pilipings". Sa puntong ito, masasabi ko na ako nga ang nakagawa ng mga ito. Ito ang kinalabasan ng aking mga kapaguran. Akin ang mga ito. Walang makaaagaw sa akin ng mga karanasang ito. Hinding hindi mababago ito. Gawan man ng remake, kailanman hindi ito maaaring maangkin ninuman. Akin ang mga ito. Akin. Akin lamang. Pero ang tanong - masaya nga ba ako?

Alin kaya ang mas masarap sabihin? Alin ang mas magandang pag-isipan? Alin ang mas makabuluhan?

OUI... IS A BEAUTIFUL WORD

(Perhaps the title of an upcoming project)

Lyrical.
You are the song that plays on my mind.
Resounding.
The beat.
The pulse.
The breath.
I can hear it.
Feel it.
The warmth of the sound.
The essence.
Aura.
Enchantment.
Tranquility.

Spirit.
Linking worlds.
Melancholy.
Surrounds.
No escape.
Glass.
To shatter.
Storm.
Cell.
Break free.
Baby.
Be with me.

Oui.
A beautiful word.
It is.
How wonderful.
It is.
To break free.
We.
Yes.
We.
Oui.
Si.
See?
Oui.

DANCING WITH TEARS IN MY EYES

The title says it all.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE ARE FLOATING IN SPACE

All I want in life's
A little bit of love to take the pain away
Getting strong today
A giant step each day

Is it me or talagang nakaka-LSS talaga yung isang segment ng film ko? Haha. God. I really wanna show the film to someone right now. Ang hirap magpredict ng magiging reaction ng tao. Pero at the same time, natatakot ako kasi there is a possibility that people might not like it. Well, it is very unlikeable by its nature. Ewan. It's either haunting or boring. Riveting as it is passive. Bahala na. Haha.

I really can't believe that this is my first official film (at least in the virtue of doing both the direction and writing). Kumbaga, kung si George Lucas may THX 1138, ako may id.! Haha. Anyway, enough with the self-indulgence.

Technically, this film is part of a 'competition'. But right now, for me at least (and this ain't bullshit just so you know), it doesn't matter anymore. What matters to me is how people would react. Yun na talaga ang pinakafulfilling para sa akin. Actually, gaya nga ng nabanggit ko, I just need one person who would like this to give me that sense of fulfillment.

All my time until I die,
We'll float in space just you and I
And I will love you till I die
And I will love you all the time
So please put your sweet hand in mine
We'll float in space just you and I

AFTERSHOCK

Muli, dadaanin ko sa isang impormal na paraan ang aking kwento. Bakit? Wala lang.

Puta lahat na ata ng uri ng balakid naharap ko na para lang sa pelikulang to! Hahaha. Kung di mo nasubaybayan kung anu-ano ang mga ito, heto, let me refresh your memory:

Una, sa mismong kwento. Ang kwento tungkol sa antithesis identity ng isang geek/nerd/loser ay hindi ang unang konsepto ko. Kung naaalala mo, ang dapat kong gagawin ay tungkol sa isang pintor na naghahanap ng kanyang perpektong subject, na sa kinalaunan ay pinatay ang sariling mentor at ginamit ang dugo nito upang gawin ang kanyang obra. Dahil sa ilang kahirapan at pagpuna, hindi natuloy ang huli kung kaya naisantabi ang "id (il dipinto/the painting)" at nabuhay ang "id."

Pangalawa, ang pangunahing aktor. Ang lalaking makikita niyo bilang Alex sa "id." ay hindi ang siyang orihinal na dapat gaganap. Dahil sa ilang mga kapalpakan at kasabugan sa mga unang araw ng shooting, nagkaroon ng ilang conflict na siyang naging dahilan ng pagkaantala. Sa kinalaunan, hindi na tumugma sa schedule ng naunang artista ang backup plan. Dahil dito, muntik na ngang mapullout ang pelikula. Nagkaroon pa nga ng pag-iisip na ang mismong direktor ang gaganap. Ngunit dahil sa isang milagro, isang araw bago ang nth shooting, dumating ang taong ngayo'y kinikilala nang Alex ng "id." Laki ng pasalamat ko sa taong yun, sobra (gayundin sa taong dapat gaganap, balang araw makakapagtrabaho rin kami).

Pangatlo, ang editing. Natapos na ang lahat, kulang na lang ay pagsama-samahin ang mga tagpi-tagping larawan upang mabuo ang pelikula. Parang kay dali na lang ngunit dahil sa mga di inaasahang pagkakataon, nagloko etong punyetang kompyuter. Sira pa ang CD burner. Buti na lang at may mabuting kaluluwa na nakapagpahiram sa akin ng kanyang kompyuter upang matapos ko na rin ang pelikula.

Heto tapos na nga. Sobrang saya ng pakiramdam ko. Bagamat di nasunod ang mga orihinal na plano, masayang masaya ako sa kinalabasan. Di ko nga lang maipakita kasi di pa ko kumakain ng kahit anong disenteng pagkain magmula kahapon. Wala rin akong tulog. Shit. Ang dami ko palang napagdaanan para lamang sa 13 minuto ng maikling pelikula na to. Isang tao lang ang 'mapasaya' ko, solb na ko. Isang tao lang.

STUCK

This is weird. All month long I've been looking forward to finishing this, yet somehow I just can't. Last night I've wrapped up my shoot, overcoming all obstacles and demonic manifestations. All that is left to do right now is to edit. I've spent almost half the day just staring at my work. I don't know why but I just can't seem to do it. I've slept, I've eaten, I've tried getting inspiration. There's really something about it that makes me feel, I don't know - intimidated? Threatened? Perhaps it's the fear that it's my first genuine feature that scares me. What if it doesn't work out?

Today, after a very long time, the UP dilemma was once again revisited. Do I still have any regrets? I don't know.

I won't be sleeping tonight. That's for sure. The question is - will I be doing anything productive? I don't know also.

There's no question about my happiness. I'm happy for sure - extremely even. It's just that I'm a bit lost. Help me find my way back, will ya?

M. NIGHT

Okay. Bago pa ako mahiritan ng sinumang makakanood ng pelikula ko, isasalaysay ko na ang kuwento sa maaaring maging kahantungan ng proyekto.

Sa ngayon, wala pa rin akong artistang gaganap sa papel ng pangunahing tauhan. Kapag wala pa ring nakapagpahayag ng interes mula sa aking grupong kinabibilangan, iisa na lamang ang matitirang tanging paraan upang maisalba ko ang pelikula ko - ako mismo ang gaganap sa papel.

Kung kilala mo ko at napagusapan natin ang Lady in the Water, maaalala mong nainis ako sa napaka-'conceited' na pag-arte ni M. Night Shyamalan sa kanyang sariling pelikula bilang isang manunulat na siyang magliligtas sa buong sangkatauhan. Hindi ko binabawi iyon at alam kong iniisip mo ngayon na baka kainin ko lang ang sinabi ko pero ito ang punto ko: Kapag ang barko ay lulubog na, gagawin ng kapitan ang lahat ng kanyang makakaya upang maisalba ito; karaniwan (at least sa magandang stereotype), siya pa nga ang natitira, hindi nito lilisanin ang kanyang barko hanggang sa kahuli-hulihang sandali. Nasa ganitong sitwasyon na ako ngayon. Kung gusto ko talagang magawa ito, gagawin ko ang lahat ng paraan anuman ang maaaring maging kapalit nito. Isinasantabi ko na ang anumang palamuting dahilang maaaring nakakabit sa paggawa ng pelikulang ito (Oo, kahit kapalit nito ang aking dignidad! Hahaha) . Ang tanging motibo at dahilan na lamang ng pagsasagawa ko ay ang mismong paggawa ng isang pelikula - anuman ang sabihin ng mga tao.

Desperado na nga siguro ako. Alam kong di naman talaga ako kagalingan sa larangan ng pag-arte; sa katotohanan, hindi naman talaga ako umaarte pero sa ganitong klaseng sitwasyon, wala nang atrasan. Mas gugustuhin ko na siguro na makutya sa aking mga pagkakamali kaysa magsisi na hindi ko man lamang sinubukan, na umatras ako.

Patuloy pa rin ang pagsikat ng araw.

No need for this. Miracles do indeed come true. Credo! Credi!

STATIC

I miss the feeling of just being adrift - nothing to do, just waiting. I miss the feeling of being able to think about the smallest things - things that help me sort out things, create things.

Right now, I feel my creativity (if I have one) is fading. My film is a mess and I can't simply get a minute or so to think about and craft something I could have done had I not been too preoccupied with many different matters. There's no blame, most especially hatred here. It's just that I regret not being able to make the most out of the potentials.

When I sleep tonight I want to dream the wildest dream - be it lion-dogs chasing me, or the collision of the earth and sun. I want to see something new and different. I want the feeling of being awake after my dream; the feeling of being enthralled, the vision sticking onto my memory, lingering as each picture slowly fades away.

Am I happy? Maybe. Maybe not. I want happiness. What is happiness again? Is it being in the moment? Am I in the moment? Maybe. Maybe not.

I want... I need...

...could make me happy.

I know. Yes. I know I can be happy. Let me be happy.

Yes? Yes.

Oui.

REBOUND

Turn and face the strain.

As fast as lightning, I'm back! Setting aside the shitty atmosphere, I began this brand new week with a bang.

Stress? Fatigue? Distress? Bang! Bang! Bang!

I'm back alright. From hell and back.

REALize

To respond to my own statement that I am not the best in anything, I would want to state that I am indeed good at least on one thing - adaptation. You see, I am never instantaneously the best at what I do; in fact, I really do actually suck at things I am new to. I wasn't the instant smart student when I started going to school. Neither was I the greatest student politician when I started winning. But come the last stretch of those experiences (specifically high school, for that matter), I owned those experiences - I owned those fields. So to cheer myself up, it's okay to suck at everything that I am doing now, so long as I continue adapting, eventually bringing progress to my own welfare. Perhaps at the end of the leg of this race, like what I have done in the past, I will be on the top of my game once more. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps.

WALK THE PLANK

I'm holding onto my safety rope. Either I let go now and accept my fate or wait for someone to get me over safe haven. This is a big risk that I must take. Make or break. Fight or flight. Do or die. Death or glory.

Matigas talaga ulo ko. Kahit halos lahat ng bagay sinasabi, wag ko nang ituloy to, pilit ko pa ring ipinaglalaban. Wala na kong pakialam kung di maging matagumpay to. Sinimulan ko na to, might as well finish it.

"There's always something waiting at the end of the road. If you're not willing to see what it is, you probably shouldn't be out there in the first place."

This is my rebound stage. It's either I make a blaze or burst into flames. I choose the former.

TWO SIDES

I really love the dawn. (Not the band) It really has a nice ambiance. Compared to last night, I'm somewhat calmer and more at peace... No not actually. I'm still the bitter asshole that I am, somewhat sulking, definitely thinking, but never quitting! Never! Never! Never!

Perhaps I really need therapy right now. Perhaps not. Perhaps a viewing of Ordinary People, Iris and/or On Golden Pond could help me loosen up. Perhaps not. On second thought, since I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO TODAY (Yes, I don't. That's something you seldom hear nowadays from me. Now it has finally come true.) perhaps I could devote the day to film viewing. Let me see - Angels in America, Closer, The Graduate, Lost in Translation, 2046, top everything with Citizen Kane perhaps. Maybe. Maybe not.

I can't get enough of The Follow, the short film Wong Kar Wai directed for the BMW advertisement series. I really like his style - the nostalgic ambiance, the voiceover, the music (Mi Unicornio Azul has been playing nonstop on my laptop since last night). I was about to say that I would want to use that kind of style one day but never mind. I don't want to make another PROMISE I CAN'T KEEP.

Okay, I'm getting more and more bitter by the minute. You see, I'm not really like this. Hmmm... Well, on second thought, maybe I am. Maybe not. I hate hating myself.

Io ho mal di testa. Shit.

UOY KCUF

This perhaps is my worst week in years; this day is my worst this year. Monday started and I knew everything is gonna go downhill from there.

I hate to quit. I've said this a year ago when I've ended my political life. If I quit again this time, it's almost like saying I'm quitting this thing too; this so-called 'passion', which I am starting to doubt right now. I don't want that to happen. But at the rate this shit is going, looks like I'm bound to be doing so... Unless a miracle happens. I hate admitting it but I am losing hope, patience most especially.

Trust is one thing I hate pondering about. What is trustworthy anyway, or who for that matter? I really have bad issues with this. Slowly, I have been turning into this pathetic anti-social asshole. It's not a pretty picture but I don't actually have problems with this. Perhaps the people around me have, but I don't.

This is really weird. I'm doing quite well with my academics yet I remain unhappy. Perhaps I really have lived by my theory. It's a bit stupid; well it is actually. I used to love the thought, now I've just got bitten by reality - kaboom!

I don't know one thing that I am best at... good at, even! Where in hell did I go wrong?

Despite the fact that this week is bull, I'm supposed to be rebounding. I don't know how. I don't know if I still can. What happens if I can't? I am a pessimist. So much for self-fulfilling prophecies.

I hate this stupid irony. The one thing that I've been taking seriously all this time is the one thing that I end screwing all up. Life's a bitch. An effing bitch.

I need to go to the beach. Alone. All I want to hear is the sound of the waves. I need the tide to swallow me. Drown me in the salty sea, please!

Before going home today I wanted to throw my tripod into the glass window at school. What could've happened had I done that?

This is pathetic and irrational. Immature? Childish? Abnormal? Selfish? Human.

FORCES OF NATURE

More greetings.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank my nose for running wild the whole day. Thanks to you I had to cancel my establishment shootings. I couldn't afford to get emotional setup scenes having this kind of physical condition. I don't want the film to end up having scenes with sounds of my nose running wild.

Another force of nature to blame is Meron Pond. Thank you for having less pressure than expected. My erotic blowup scene would have been degraded into a child peeing symbolism had I continued capturing your enthralling image.

I'm having a hard time communicating with people recently. It seems like my communication mojo is fading away. My writing seems not as smooth as it used to be. I am hoping that this would be settled as soon as possible. How can I cram successfully without my writing mojo? Anyway, this I would like to give credit to my lack of sleep.

Finally (and this time I mean it), I would like to thank fate. Why? I just want to. Nuff said.

BURNING SANDS

Bahala ka kung anong gusto mong gawing pagbasa dito...

Nais kong gamitin ang pagkakataong ito upang magpasalamat sa isang bagay na lubos na nakapagbibigay sa akin ng ganap na kaligayahan - ang french fries ng McDo. Gusto ko sanang pasalamatan ang sukdulan ng pagkaalat na nalalasahan ko na tunay na nakapagbibigay sa akin ng ultimate high. Kahit kapag sa dulo ng aking pagkain, pakiramdam ko nasusunog na ang labi ko sa sobrang alat (na siya sigurong dahilan kung bakit laging nagbabalat ang labi ko ngayon), sobrang sarap ng pakiramdam ko habang nalalasahan ko ang di-makukumparang scrumptiousness nito. Talagang hindi ko mapigilan ang sarili ko tuwing napadadaan ako sa kilalang fast food chain na ito. Sana lang at iodized salt ang gamit nila. Iodized salt. Iodized salt. Magiodized salt tayo...